


Under The Bed Where Blue Eyes Hide

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: (jk ilu all and i hope you keep reading my stuff, AU, Abusive Dad, I'm Sorry, Kinda mentions of PTSD later, M/M, Sexting, because i ship them, because not everyone walks out of rape the same, crack ships, for a little, i don't have to be sorry, just a warning for the next few chapters to come, more tags to come, noncon, this was my story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-30
Updated: 2015-04-26
Packaged: 2018-01-06 20:42:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 28,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1111301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dad didn't have a terrible temper, he just liked things a certain way. Clean and proper. He gave words of praise and encouragement any time John did something, but when it was something he didn't approve of, they would have an almost passive aggressive undertone. Dad could be a master manipulator when he wanted, always needing to get his way, and John knew this. But he’d wanted to tell him, hoped that he would give another remark or maybe just beat him and never talk about it again, go on in disappointed silence until John left for college or moved out. But that’s not what he got, he hated being isolated.</p><p>“I have done everything in my power to make you a successful young man and time and time again you seem to chose all of the wrong paths. I tried and tried and then you come to me with this,” there was no emotion in his voice, no hurt or pain, “I did all that I could and you never appreciated it.” All that you could, hitting and scolding for wanting to see a friend or not getting a perfect grade every time or simply being there. “I’m done. Look at this as an early birthday;” four months away, “you seem to know what you want to do with yourself and how you want to spend the rest of your life, so go.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Soup and Motel Rooms

The door was unlocked. He came earlier in the day and unlocked it. John Sat, curled up on his bed holding his legs to his chest. The door had been locked from the outside for three days. Three days of sitting in his room crying or pacing or looking at the ceiling praying for sleep. Three days since John had told his dad that he was gay. Dad unlocked the door, opened it slightly and said a monotone ‘dinner’ before retreating to his study. John sat for a time, too scared to get up just yet, but the angry noises from his stomach and the pains made him get up. He walked quietly, eyes glued to his dads study until he hit the stairs and ran down them. 

There was a pot on the stove, tall and full, steam rising from the top. A mixture of different foods, beans and vegetables, chunks of chicken and ground burger, heavy and thick. Everything but the kitchen sink soup, what his dad makes in the winter between shopping. He ate until he was full and then ate some more. When he was done, bowl and spoon in the sink, he walked up to the bathroom and closed himself in it, not looking at the mirror as he passed it. He’d need to throw the trash bin, which was used as his bathroom for the three days of isolation, away later but at this moment he just wanted a shower. The water was hot and he didn't bother with adding cold, just let the scalding liquid burn his skin and make him numb. He shouldn't have said anything. Dad didn't have a terrible temper, he just liked things a certain way. Clean and proper. He gave words of praise and encouragement any time John did something, but when it was something he didn't approve of, they would have an almost passive aggressive undertone. Dad could be a master manipulator when he wanted, always needing to get his way, and John knew this. But he’d wanted to tell him, hoped that he would give another remark or maybe just beat him and never talk about it again, go on in disappointed silence until John left for college or moved out. But that’s not what he got, he hated being isolated. Hated being locked up and alone, two breaker boxes controlled the power in the house, one for the main section and one for the added on one. He could flip a switch and nothing would work in Johns small chunk, no electric, no heat, nothing. These punishments were the worst, ranging from a few hours to a few days; he’d only be let out when Dad was content with the punishment or if there was a pre arranged activity or school to attend.

John stood in the water until it became lukewarm and then got to cleaning himself, his skin flush and sensitive. When that was done he got out, wrapping in a towel before going back to his room, the lights were back on and it was warm. Instead of a note explaining his father’s feelings and intentions for whatever he was going to do, John was met with a large duffle bag full on top of his bed. Closet and dresser empty, his belongings were packed away save for a set of shorts, a shirt, socks and underwear. Oh. This was new. His heart pounded and head swam as he thought of what was happening. Was his dad sending him to stay with some distant relative that would talk some straight sense into him? Was he kicking him out? Was he sending him to one of those camps? John got dressed in silence, hands quivering, and sat on the edge of his bed. Waiting. Dad passed by the door and stayed there, a pregnant pause filling the air before he shook his head and spoke.

“I just can’t do this son,” he started “I have done everything in my power to make you a successful young man and time and time again you seem to chose all of the wrong paths. I tried and tried and then you come to me with this,” there was no emotion in his voice, no hurt or pain, “I did all that I could and you never appreciated it.” All that you could, hitting and scolding for wanting to see a friend or not getting a perfect grade every time or simply being there. “I’m done. Look at this as an early birthday;” four months away, “you seem to know what you want to do with yourself and how you want to spend the rest of your life, so go.”

It was cold; his outfit completely wrong for the temperature outside. The duffle was heavy and made walking awkward but he kept on. He had $355 on him, all the money he had from saving up for a trip to see Dave, and a prepaid cell phone with about 12 minutes left on it. He knew Dave would be asleep for a few more hours and made the long walk to the closest library he could remember how to get to. The computers were empty, closing time was soon and John only had a little while. Searches of Greyhound routes and Amtrak buses held no luck, a few hundred dollars off for tickets or no stations nearby. Nothing was looking up and as the library hours came to an end he was out in the cold again. He waited until it had been dark for hours, until his hands felt frozen before shakily he dialed the number, hoping that someone would answer. The ringing went on for a little while and a voice mail came on, Dave rapping out nonsense John couldn't quite understand. A little crushed he looked down at his contacts and sighed. He wasn't supposed to call Dave’s house phone unless it was an emergency. Guess this is as close as he was ever going to get. The phone rings twice before someone picks up.

“H’llo?” The voice is deep and it sounds like he was sleeping. This was a bad idea, this was a very bad idea, this is why John can’t call the house phone because his brother was most likely going to answer and be mad.  
“H-hi um… Is Dave there? I know it must be late for you but this is important.” God he sounded small. That was the only way to describe his voice, high pitched and small.  
“Kid ‘ya have any goddamn idea what time it is?” Texas was two hour ahead of him and he looked at the time on his phone.  
“About 3.”  
“Three in the fuckin’ mornin’. This better be serious shit kid.” John shook a little and nodded his head as through the man could see him through the phone.  
“I-it is, I swear. I don’t have much time and I… I don’t know what to do can you please give the phone to Dave I’m sorry for waking you up but this is an emergency.” It sounded like the man was moving, getting up and rustling blankets.  
“Calm down kid if it’s so big talk to an adult not my fuckin’ brother,” he didn't get it. He didn't get it and John was running out of minutes and his head hurt and he was starting to cry and it was all too crazy right now.  
“Please Dave’s the only person that knows what’s going on and I do-don’t know what to do,” his voice was cracking as hot tears spill over and cooled mid cheek, “a-and I don’t know who to talk to or where to go and I need to figure something out please.”  
“Slow down kid yer not makin and sense.”  
“I can’t slow down I only have 4 more minutes and then the phone won’t work and-“ He was cut off.  
“Are you in danger?”  
John took in a quick breath and rubbed his eyes, “I think so.”  
“Where the hell are you?”  
“Not by you, i-in Washington.”  
There was a low curse, “oh God yer that friend. Do you have cash on you?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Go put more minutes on yer damn phone and call back.”  
Johns head hurt and he nodded a little closing his eyes tight, “okay.”

John had $323 left after getting 60 more minutes. The Safeway a few blocks from the library was open and he got in and out quickly. He sat outside of the store and called the number back.  
“I got Dave up and it is way too damn early for this shit so talk,” was his greeting.  
He explained everything without mentioning the things that would cause a cop to look into his dad. Dave knew how Dad could be and didn't sound surprised when he learned what had happened. Bro asked if John had an ID on him and what city he was in. A few minutes later telling him to get his ass over to a little motel seven blocks from the Walmart and stay there. The line went dead and John started to walk, getting called back a few minutes later with Bro telling him he told the lady at the front that he’d be coming and to have the ID ready so he could get the room key.  
“I should not be dealing with this shit and I’m gonna beat yer ass when I get there.”  
“What?”  
“We’re comin’ to get you, should be a few days. Yer gonna stay in the hotel ‘til we come and then I’m gonna have a talk with Mr. Father-of-the-Year.”  
“You can’t talk to him!”  
“The hell I can’t. Kid be happy I paid for a place for you to sleep and ain't calling the damn cops. We’re gonna talk about this shit when I get there now move yer ass.” And that was that, call ended. John made his way to the motel and showed the tired looking woman at the front his ID and said he was supposed to be getting a room here. She nodded and gave him they keys, typing something into the computer on the front desk. 

His head hurt and everything was moving slowly and he took another shower, sitting on the floor letting liquid fire rain down on him until it was cold and he could barely stand up. He didn't sleep, just curled up on top of the blankets until the sound of the city started up and he retreated under the creaky bed to hide out the day.


	2. Tears and Blanket Cocoons

The sounds of everyday activity outside of the motel room came and went as day turned into night. The sounds of Spanaway at night(though it might be Grahm that he was in now) took less of a toll on him than the daytime noise. As the natural light left the room and John found it harder and harder to see the wall next to the edge of the bed he was under. His stomach growled and he chose not to ignore it. His father didn't resort to starving him often. Quite the opposite actually, the house would always be filled to the brim with baked goods and heavy foods. Truth be told, John was a tad bit pudgier than he ought to be. Hunger grabbing onto him again he rolled out from under the bed and stretched a little. The thought of wasting any more of his funds on things made him feel more unsettled, but he was alone and needed to eat. The phone book by the room phone showed the number for a pizza place nearby and he ordered a medium with all his favorite toppings and a 2 litter of Pepsi.  
Hours spent pacing about the room and taking small bites of pizza and sipping soda occupied Johns time until his phone rang again. It wasn't a number he recognized and he almost didn't answer it.  
“Hello?”  
“Hey kid, we’re probably a day and a half out from you, you and your dad talk at all?” John let out the small breath that he started holding after his greeting and sat down on the bed.  
“No, he hasn't really called me and I haven’t called him.”  
“Well why not?” Bros voice had a tick of annoyance in it.  
“I don’t think he’s going to want to talk to me right now-“  
“I don’t care what you think,” Bro interrupted, “you ain't gonna be able to take care of yourself for a while and you won’t make it a week out on the streets ‘fore someone picks you up or rapes you.” The though made John sick inside. He didn't really think about what could happen to him. Bro was just trying to scare him that had to be it, stuff like that didn't really happen.  
“Dad’s really mad at me right now he won’t want to talk to me right now.”  
“Tell ‘im you were gettin cat called or followed. Make ‘im think you really need back home and say you’re sorry for whatever you did to make him so fuckin mad and wait for me.” John shook his head to himself and sighed.  
“If you want me to talk to my dad alone why are you still coming up?”  
“Because you got kicked out and Dave is freaking out about me just leaving you too it and if I don’t humor him he’ll pull a dumb ass stunt and I can’t be letting my practical kid do something retarded. You’re freaking out Dave’s freaking out and I don’t want to deal with this shit because Dave’ll do something and since he’s 18 I can’t stop him.”  
John quiets. He just told him he got kicked out and was scared, Dave the only one to know that something was up. John had never told Dave but he’d figured it out, bombarded questions and called over Skype twelve times a day until John told him “I fell” “I was playing baseball and got hit” “I was at a friend’s house, sorry”. Dave tried to talk to him about it, tried to get him to talk and say something, but nothing ever really came out. Just small head shakes while hot tears trickled down too chubby cheeks paired with murmured I’m OK’s  
“I’ll call him.” Part of him wished it was a lie.

The ringing made Johns skin prickle. The sick feeling making him feel like the half digested mixture of pizza and soda was going to come up. The phone rang five times before it was finally answered.  
“Dad…” The long pause made everything worse, the air seemed to grow thick and heavy weighing on his lungs and body.  
“Are you done with this ridiculousness,” his voice had the same bite that let him know he would get hit and that this was just an extension of his punishment.  
“It’s not ridiculous dad I just… I wanted to tell you, I wanted you to understand.”  
“How can I understand that you don’t want a future? You’re throwing everything away to get some sort of attention from me. You’ve never ceased you’re childish ways, and this may be my fault for letting you act like a child for so long. But I won’t have this.”  
“There’s nothing to have,” Johns voice was breaking; tears flowing down his face, “I wanted to talk to you, I wanted you to listen to me and know me and you locked me up in a room-“  
“Don’t take that tone it makes me sound like a monster;” interrupted again, “I have always done what is best for you. I told you last night if you want to act so adult then you may leave.”  
Grinding his teeth John lied down on the still made bed, phone presses against his ear as he tried to think adult, tried to see where his father could be right. He couldn't. Not really.  
“I didn't want to leave, dad. I just…”  
“You just what.”  
“I don’t know.” Head hurting, stomach churning John didn't know. Maybe he wanted to get kicked out. Maybe he wanted dad to let him go and not take him back so he could finally be free.  
“I don’t have time for this right now. Contact me again when you’re ready to stop acting like a child.” And with that the phone went dead, the only sound surrounding the boy curled up on the bed car engines and sobs.  
He wished he had lied.

Another day spent not moving. A cocoon made of scratchy blankets used by countless others going through god knows what was Johns only protection from everything. The sun set and rose and hung low in the sky and nothing changed. A boy in a cheap motel room was breaking as the world span on and everyone kept going. Everyone kept moving as confusion and woe filled an innocence drowning it of its light. The sun, shaded by clouds and gloom, was close to setting. The grey light dimming; moving to cover everything with night. The sounds of footsteps and keys at his lock made John jump in a start. A maid? The manager? The thought of facing someone that could see how pathetic he was pushed John to move off the bed and under it again. The door opened and from his spot on the floor he could see a set of red converse.  
“John? John you here man.” The fear drained all sense of caring and dignity left because that voice was familiar. A pitiful sob/sigh left his lips and a shade clad face was shoved into his line of view. “Oh god get out from there you loser.” He couldn't help but cry a little, crawling out from under the bed wiping his face with his arm before long thin arms closed over his body.  
“I’m sorry I’m crying…” His voice was cracked and small tears still dropped down his face.  
“I’ll bag on you for it later.” John couldn't believe he was right there. Dave Strider was right there while he was crying like a baby. Dave pulled away from the hug and you both sat on the bed, looking at each other. “Now tell me what’s up? Bro’s out getting food and I know this is way bigger than you let on over the phone.” There it is. Johns eyes glued themselves on his hands and he worried at his lower lip.  
“Dad kicked me out.”  
“Well no duh you got kicked out; now tell me what went down.”  
“I told him something he didn't like and he kicked me out.”  
“You weren't on pesterchum for three days. Tell me what happened… Did he hit you again?”  
Refusing to cry John shook his head and swallowed the lump in his throat, “not this time. He just locked me in my room that’s all.”  
“Three days? How many time’s did he feed you?”  
“Once, at the end. I’m fine though I mean… I’m not starved. I’m not skin and bones.”  
“I still don’t like this. What’d he kick you out about?”  
“I’m gay.”  
“Thank you captain obvious, now really what happened.”  
“That’s it. I came out and he kicked me out.” If Dave wasn't wearing the shades John could have been able to see his eyes widen.  
“For reals? Like no joke you’re gay? Fuck and he kicked you out because of it that is so messed up. I mean I know he won’t be winning father of the year but you’d think he’d at least try and be OK with that.” John shook his head.  
“No. He says I’m being a child and I can come back when I grow up,” His voice was starting to break and he turned to grab Dave, “I don’t want to go back. He’s going to kill me Dave. I-I called him like your brother said to and he had that voice he’s going to kill me this time Dave I don’t want to go back.” Dave's hand found the back of Johns head, petting lightly as he shushed him.  
“Everything’s gonna be alright man.”  
“It’s not! He’s going to beat me and kill me and I can’t go back Dave I can’t do it.”

Outside, having never left, an older Dirk Strider stood listening at the door to get some answers he knew he wouldn't get on his own. The kid was getting beat; that was something. He thought he’d come and find out he was just conned into driving Dave to fuckin Washington without having to spend hours begging. Now he was sucked into something much bigger that he didn’t really want to be in. Turning on his heel he started off in search of food. Fuckin great. More of Dave’s friends shit to deal with, not like Lolonde or Captor was enough, now he has a new kid to worry about because of that little shit. If something was really going on (which he was highly doubting) Dave was dead, cops were gonna be called, and Chinese was on the menu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yes. Monday updates. These will be a thing.


	3. Shades and Take-Out

The first time you saw Dave’s brother you nearly had a heart attack. He walked into the motel room, carrying a bag of food in one hand and a duffle in the other, pointed shades pushed up the bridge of his nose; He looked like he could knock you out with a flick from one of his fingers. He was tall and big and scary as shit. Setting down the bags he took a seat in on one of the chairs set by the door, and started to talk.

 

“Now are you gonna tell me the truth first or are we gonna have to let all this good food go to waste and take a drive down to the police station?” His voice was deep and just as scary as his appearance as he leaned back in the chair; your voice was all but lost.  
“I don’t… There’s no real reason to call the cops.” Dave, who was sitting on the bed next to you, gave you a look and let out a sigh.

“He already knows man. Just talk and we can get you out of this-“

“We ain't getting him outta anything I just want to know if my impromptu trip up to cold-as-fuck nowhere was worth it.” Your heart beat quickened and your body felt hot. You didn't want to have the cops called. You didn't want anyone to know, it was all your fault and no one needed to know.

“You can’t call the cops! Th-there isn't really any reason to call them I mean nothing was really happening.”

“The hell I can’t boy. I’ll call who ever I damn well please. I’ll call the fuckin president of the god damn world if I want and ain't no one gonna stop me. Now how about you tell me why I’m here and then we might get to eating some of that food.” He kept a calm look on his face but his voice started to drop from calm to angry and you couldn't help but sink into yourself looking down. You should have known he wasn't going to just jump and help you, you’d like if that could happen but it was a stretch.

“My dad can get a little… mad sometimes and he kicked me out; I already told you this.”

“Yeah but you failed to mention that the fucker was hittin ya.” You feel cold again and rub your hands together in your lap.

“He just gets mad and needs to show me how mad. It’s always my fault really.” Bro gives you a look, at least you think he did you can’t really tell from behind the shades, and sighs.

“Kid even if it was yer fault that shit ain't right. Now what all has he been doing?”

“Just hitting me sometimes; he doesn't do a lot really.”

“He feeds you right? He make sure you’re kept warm? You even goin to school?” Damn.

“I eat enough and…”

“Don’t bullshit me Dave’s already hinted at some shit.” You look over at Dave with a glare, he just shrugs. The ass.

“Just tell him man.”

“He feed’s me enough when I’m good and the house is warm when I’m good and I go to school when-“

“When yer good, I caught on to the trend. That ain't right kid, I was in houses like that growin up, ya know what happened? The parents got reported and I got moved. Now you’re gonna eat with us and then I’m gonna have a talk with yer dad. Depending on how I feel after I’ll take you out to report the rest. Now let’s dig into that food.” He leaned forward and started picking out food from the bags he brought but you weren't paying attention anymore. 

 

You didn't want to report anything. You didn't want to have to go through all of that. You wanted to curl up and fade away somewhere. The night was a blur and you curled up on one of the two beds in the room that you were sharing with Dave, thinking about what ever future was going to come of this. You didn't want to grow up. You wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. Life was just too much; nothing you could have watched on TV or read in books would prepare you for this. Slipping out from the covers you dropped onto the floor, rolling under the bed to stare at the inky blackness that meets you there. Maybe you could just fall asleep here and never actually get up. 

~~~~~

Bro Strider lied on his bed watching his younger brother and friend from across the shared room. He was ready to hear that John was just over exaggerating about his dad so he could take him home and then make Dave pay for food and gas all the way home. He wasn't expecting anything to really be going down; or at least was hoping that nothing would really be going on. He’d taken the blunt of all the shit foster care could chalk up so Dave didn't have to, keeping him in the dark until he aged out and could take him somewhere safer. But seeing the way John sunk into himself as he talked, how at the slightest change in tone John shyed away and how through the night louder noises made him act more alert, there was no faking that. 

He was planning (hoping) that everything would turn out different, and now he needed to think up a new plan. He stayed still as he saw movement from the neighboring bed. The kid, John, moved off the bed and onto the floor. Bro wanted to sigh and groan but it was late and the kid would know he was awake. He could remember doing similar things as a kid, trying to sink away as much as he could any chance he’d get. The kid was cute, he had a nice face and those eyes were mesmerizing. Hell if he was a couple months older and they’d meet on different terms Bro knows he’d be flirting up a storm. He couldn't help wanting to help the kid out, it was scary, it was massed up and he wouldn't be right for a pretty long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this took so long to update. I had finals to do and then I got really sick and just... It was not a good time. Have this. I have ideas but until I can get around to getting them down I need... *shudders* minor plot development.
> 
> I have a lot of trouble with spelling and grammar (I'm dyslexic and have some other mental stuff) so if you notice something feel free to point it out.


	4. Dick Punches and Coffee

The night went on and in the morning John woke with a sick churning in his stomach. He didn’t want to have anything happen. He didn't want Bro to talk to his dad and he didn't want to have to file anything. His dad didn't do anything that bad (lies), he never did nothing unless John deserved it (more lies), he didn't deserve to be in trouble (Stockholm bag of lies). He woke up before the two Striders and retreated into the bathroom, turning on the shower to drown out any noise that might be made. The air warmed and John stripped down, ignoring his reflection and stepped into the spray, wincing slightly at the too hot water before turning it up. His skin burned and his mouth fell slack in a silent scream. He deserved it all. His dad shouldn't get in trouble. John was the bad one.

 

While John was in the shower the eldest Strider stirred and rubbed the heels of his hands against his face. He was tired, plagued by dreams that were more memories than fantasy. He didn't have to put up with this shit, he didn't have to remember all the bad because of one beautiful blue eyed boy. But he did and all of his bad qualities and quirks were brushed aside in favor of helping the kid out. He needed to confront John's dad though, more for him than for the kid. He was left answerless for all of his life and he at least needed answers on this. Call it selfish, his reasons for helping John out, but he was still going to do it. He could hear the shower running and as he walked over to the door he could feel the heat radiating from it from too hot water. God it was too early for this shit.

 

When John stepped out of the bathroom, waist wrapped in a scratchy towel and skin flushed pink from the heat, the first thing he noticed was that Bro was gone. He felt cold again, cold despite the burning of his skin because he knew where he went. Dave lied in an awkward position on the bed, face turned on the pillow and his hips contorted in the opposite direction of his torso and one arm hung off the bed. John smiled a little at that, he expected his best friend to be a doofus but this took the cake. He went over to his bag and got a new set of clothes, putting them on as he kept an eye on Dave’s face to make sure he wasn't sneaking glances. When he was dressed he went over and nudged Dave’s shoulder, attempting to wake him.

 

“Dave... Dave wake up..... Daaaaaaaaave.” Red eyes opened and blinked closed hard. He wasn't a morning person and he would have punched John in the face if it wasn't for the fact that ya know... He was John.

“Man one of these days you’re gon wake up the wrong person too damn early and get yer ass beat and I wont be around to save you.” John smiled a little and sat back on the bed that Bro used.

“Yeah because you can save me? You’d get your ass beat way worse for interfering and we both know it.” Dave groaned and sat up, securing his shades before stretching out.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah... Where’s my bro?” John shrugged his shoulders and felt the sick feeling come back.

“I don’t know, he wasn't here when I woke up. Do you think he went to get food?”

“Nah,” Dave ran his fingers through his hair and flopped back against the bed, “He left me money for food so that’s not it... He’s probably going to talk to your dad.” Though he hadn't eaten anything yet John felt like he was going to throw up. He was going to talk to his dad. John looked down and fell into himself. He just wanted this to be over.

 

Broderick Strider was a man of few words. Enjoying mind games and hiding out more than talking and being around people. But today he was going to talk to someone. He hated being around people, he avoids Dave’s school functions as much as he can unless it’s something really important to the little shit. He got John’s home address from Dave before they actually got to the hotel and he was currently parked in front of the two story suburban house wondering what the fuck he was going to do. The man deserved to go to jail as far as Bro was concerned but the scared little kid and teen inside of him screamed at him not to get John put into foster care. He hated it, growing up like that. Hated every second of it and didn't want to put John through it. But there was a part of him that knew realistically he needed to do something. With that in mind he stepped out of his car and walked up to the house, knocking twice before shoving his hands into his pockets. When the door opened he was faced with a well dressed, well kept, man standing in a well kept house.

“Hello, is there something I can help you with?” He spoke like there was nothing wrong. Like everything was fine. Bro wanted to punch his perfect face.

“Yeah, my kid is friends with yer kid and I’m jus' tryin' ta figure out what exactly went down? Jus' concerned ‘bout what’s goin on and such.” He had to keep himself from gritting his teeth. He needed to act like he didn't know shit if his (all be it harebrained) plan was going to work. Egbert’s eyebrows raised and he stepped back, holding the door open a little more.

“Come in, come in. I was just about to put a pot of coffee on if you would like some and I’d be happy to explain what has been going on. Which one of John's friends are you the parent of?” He made his way into the kitchen and Bro followed slowly. Punch him. Punch him in the god damned face.

“Uh Dave. He and I are here for a few days and I heard that John got kicked out. I was just a little concerned seein’ as he’s my Daveys best friend.” Punch him in the face and hit him with the coffee pot.

“Oh by no means did I kick John out Mr.?”

“Strider.”

“Mr. Strider, John had a bit of an attitude problem and wished to go against my home rules. So I told him he could stop or leave on his own. John likes to have things his own way and He is only a few months off of being an adult. If he want’s to leave and act as he pleases I don’t see what I can do about it. That boy has me at my wits end, I do hope he isn’t a bad influence on your son.” Punch him in the face and cut off his balls with a butter knife. Bro let out a quick sigh and thought as Egbert poured them both coffee.

“He’s not a bad influence on Dave,” he was just going to ignore the fact that Egbert though he was old enough to be Dave’s dad, “I make sure Dave behaves right. He wouldn’t try something like... What John did.” Play it, pretend to kill Egbert and play on his side. That was a lot harder than Bro thought it would be in the beginning. “You know, if you really don’t know how to handle him, I could always take him off yer hands. I run a tight ship and home and there ain’t any room to fuck around.” Lying through his teeth he took a few sips from the mug and tried to keep in cool. Egbert gave him a surprised look and took a few sips of his own coffee.

“That would be a very generous offer Mr. Strider. May I ask why you’d be willing to do that?” Bro was mentally freaking out because he wasn’t expecting that.

“John seems to be pretty important to Dave, he doesn’t make a lotta friends so the fact that he’s kept John as one for this long is impressive to me and I wouldn’t want Dave feeling like he would need to pull the ‘I’m an adult I can talk to who I want’ card. I think I might slap him if he does and I haven’t had to hit him in years.” Playing it cool Bro emptied the coffee quick and set it down to his right. Egbert nodded a few times and took a quick sip on his.

“I can understand not wanting your son to pull and adult card. I’m surprised to have yours so well trained,” punch him in the dick; Bro was going to punch him in the dick and feed it to him. “If you really feel that you want to take him on I would not speak against it. He has chosen to leave and if you can get him set straight I would be forever grateful.” Bro nodded quick and stood.

“I’d need a paper saying I can enroll him in school and take him into hospitals for medical care you know? And his school transcripts.”

“I can have all the paperwork done tomorrow, a friend of mine at my office knows more about this than I, if you could come by again tomorrow that would be ready.” Bro smiled and wanted to hurt something all at the same time. He knew a dad like Egbert would jump at the opportunity to get someone else to help cover up what was going on. Especially if that someone else seemed like the same kind of parent. 

 

The deal was made and Bro still wanted to hurt Egbert. Maybe later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like... I need a beta for this. I wasn't sure where this was going all the way before so I didn't bother with finding one but now I have a plot outline and know what I want to do and I want this to be the best it could be. So if anyone's interested contact me on my tumblr and was can make arrangements there. My tumblr's all-canadian-striderp.tumblr.com so yeah. Hope you all continue to like this. Also Do you guys want this to be a long ass hella multi chapter fic where the actually brojohn relationship shit doesn't come in until later or a really quick ficy fic where they just frickle frack and it's over.


	5. Denny's and Goodbyes

While Bro was out John worried in silence as Dave tossed the phone book from the bedside table on the floor and grabbed his jacket.

 

“Get shoes on, we’re going out to eat.” John looked up and worried at his lower lip, squirming in his seat a little.

“Are you sure? We could order pizza or something; we don’t really have to go out to eat.”

“Yeah but I want Denny’s and I don’t think they deliver.”

“But the nearest Denny’s is like… almost three miles away.. sorta.” He really didn’t want to leave; didn’t want to bump into anyone who knew him or his dad. “We should just order something, plus you don’t even have a car here right?” 

“Nah but we can just call a cab or something. I don’t want to be cooped up anymore and I thought you’d jump at the opportunity to get out.” 

“I don’t know… I guess it’d be fine if you really want to go out. Do you even have the number to call a cab?” John wasn’t really sure what the number would be and he’d lived in the Spanaway/Graham area almost all his life. 

“I can just chacha it.” John smirked a little and suppressed a laugh.

“You use chacha? That’s kinda lame.”

“Your face is kinda lame, let’s go.” 

 

The two went out and Dave worried that it was the wrong thing to do. John was looking over his shoulder the entire time, getting the smallest thing he could as breakfast and barely even touched it. He was a mess. He wanted to have fun with his friend, get to spend some time doing something nice and he really didn’t want to make Dave feel like they couldn’t do anything because of him. But the fear was there, lingering and eating away at him and oh god he just wanted to go back to the hotel. Dave tried his best to lighten the mood, talking about some of his classes, the DC trip he’d be taking close to the end of the year, the new camera he got for his birthday. And John tried to fake it, smiling on the outside and worrying on the inside. Neither of the boys were fooled by each other though, both faking and hoping that at some point things would get better. By the end of the meal Dave was the only one to have really eaten and they both stepped into a new cab in complete silence. They both knew what was going on before, that had never affected their friendship and their ability to talk to each other. But in these moments they both realized that without the distance and colored text they were faced with only one thing to talk about. What was really going on.

 

When the two got back to the hotel, Dave was the first to notice Bro’s car was back. They walked in and sat on either of the two beds, looking down or at cheap pictures hung haphazardly on the walls. The shower was running the the bathroom sending a low hum of sound to drive the two boys almost insane in the near silence. Almost an eternity later the shower stopped and the eldest strider stepped out of the bathroom, his pants from the day before pulled up, buttons undone. He looked over the room and grabbed his shirt which was hanging off the doorknob of the bathroom door.

 

“We got shit to do tomorrow. We’re goin’ to pay a quick visit to the Egbert house and then we’re high tailin’ it back to Texas, got it?” 

“Wait what? Bro we can’t just take him back there-”

“We ain’t takin him back we’re gonna pick up some stuff. He’s comin back with us.”

 

That was… What. John couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t… What? He sprung up almost fast enough to be close to flash stepping and pushed past Bro to get into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him before emptying the contents of his stomach into the toilet. He left him. He got rid of him. Dad really didn’t want him back. John cried and hit at the wall behind the toilet and felt like he was going to die. It hurt. Everything just hurt. He didn’t want to go back but the fact that his dad was so quick to let him go, so quick to tell a stranger they could just take him. Maybe he shouldn’t have woken up. Maybe he would be better off dead.

 

When Dave stood to go after John, Bro stopped him, holding him back while giving him that look that meant if he did it things would be worse. Dave wouldn’t understand that feeling. Wouldn’t get that even though John’s dad was the source of his pain losing him like that would hurt. Bro let Dave go and went to sit on his bed, grabbing his laptop from its bag on the floor and checking out his site to see if the cameras picked anything up while they were gone.

 

It was another hour before John came back out, sitting on his and Dave’s bed with a dazed look on his face.

“What did he say?” His voice was small and cracked and he sounded more defeated and scared than the day he called Bro up.

“He said he’d be grateful to me if I could set you straight. You chose to leave and if I wanted to take you that would be fine with him.” He didn’t know what to expect really. But it still hurt and he retreated under the covers. It was just them in the room, Dave having gone out to buy something from a vending machine. Bro needed him to be feeling this way. He needed him to seem defeated when he took him by to get the papers. Egbert wouldn’t believe it any other way. He knew because he’d been in that spot so many times. Dave came back and stayed quiet as John hiccuped under the blankets and Bro typed away in silence. None of them were ready for this.

 

The night was spent in silence and when the morning came they all packed up without making much eye contact. Dave was in the fucking dark and Bro and John were wrapped up in what ever was going through their minds. With bags packed up and the room put back to normal, the three set off to catch John’s dad before he went to work. The sky was covered in a thick layer of dark grey clouds and small droplets of water fell on the windshield. Everything was gloomy and none of them talked, Dave and John sitting in the back seat both looking at an episode of Supernatural playing on Dave’s phone. When they parked in front of the Egbert house John squirmed a little in his seat. Getting up Bro walked over to the window by Johns head and tapped it a few times. When John rolled it down Bro let out a sigh and jerked his head towards the house.

 

“C’mon kid, we gotta go in.”

“We?”

“No Bro, you can’t seriously take him in there?”

“Get out of the damn car.” Goosebumps spread across Johns skin and he looked up at Bro with wide eyes. He didn’t want to go in there. He was a big bundle of contradictory worries and nerves. He unbuckled his seatbelt and stepped out, staying behind Bro as they walked over to the front door.

 

When John’s dad opened the door he greeted Bro with a kind smile and he gave John a look of disappointment.

“Hello Mr. Strider, I have those papers ready come in come it.” He stepped back and walked into the living room. Bro followed him and John felt his skin prickle and he really just wanted to get out again. He stood, side pressed to the entryway as his dad gave a manila folder to Bro. That was it. The last things his dad could pass on until he had entirely abandoned John. John looked at his dad and saw a look that he couldn’t name. It made him feel cold inside and he didn’t know what else he’d expected.

 

Everything was done. The two walked back to the car and John collapsed in the back seat, not even bothering to buckle his seatbelt. Bro gave a parting half salute to Egbert as he drove out of the neighborhood. Dave held John as he cried into his shoulder and looked to his brother for some kind of answer.

“I needed it to be believable lil’ man. I needed him to really think I was on his side.” In the end he might have been able to do it different. 

 

Everything’s clearer in hindsight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smore (http://archiveofourown.org/users/Smore/pseuds/Smore) is my new beta and she's awesome and cool and yeah I'm talking her up, sue me. I've gotten so many nice comments and This will be a long fic. Hope you all continue to like it :D


	6. Ceilings and Texas Heat

The drive was long, rest stops and roadside diners were the only things that could bring the three boys out of their self inflicted stupors. They didn’t want to talk. Didn’t know what to say. What could be said when all of their lives were flipped around like that. John didn’t eat the first day. He stayed quiet and leaned on Dave for comfort. That night while Dave was asleep he asked Bro why he did it. Why he took him in like that.

 

“Kid I’ve lived a helluva lot more life than you. I’ve gone through raisin’ a kid while still bein’ a kid. And I get what you went through.” John felt goosebumps rise on his skin.

“How would you get it?”

“You ain’t the only kid that got beat,” his grip on the steering wheel tightened a little, “I ain’t gonna play the ‘my life was worse’ game with ya, but he probably never raped you. So at least consider yourself a little bit lucky… I get how it is kid. I jus’ didn’t feel like leaving you when I knew I could do somethin.” John felt sick. He felt bad because his dad never did touch him like that but now he knew Bro had been messed with more. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Shit kid don’t feel sorry. I got left with a shit ton of fucked up foster parents. It was bound to happen. You had one dad and he jus’ so happened to be messed up too. You went through shit so don’t feel sorry for me… Listen when we get to texas Imma call up a friend of mine, she helped me through some shit while I was raisin’ Dave so she can prolly help you out too.” He was quiet for the rest of the ride.

 

The second day was spent with music blazing and more frequent stops to McDonalds. John finally started to eat and though Bro was trying to act like he was aloof in the situation he was pretty happy about it. John got through seven of the twenty chicken nuggets he and Dave were sharing and half a medium fries. In the car John smiled a little more with Dave and seemed like he was in less of a depressed mood. Bro knew it wouldn’t last long but he was happy it was there for the moment.

 

When the trio got back to the Strider home Dave flash stepped up ahead to clear out some of the smuppets and trash before John could get there. He never really made an assumption on what Dave’s house would look like; it was never an important thing to think about. He never really expected to get to see it. The walls were a dirtied white and the brown rug covering all but the kitchen had matted stains and bits of mechanical parts stuck in parts of it. Papers and bits of fabric littered the floor and accumulated piles against the walls. The place was a mess, even with Dave’s cleaning. The smell of old Doritos and cooled Chinese food filled the apartment and even though it was the polar opposite of John’s childhood home he felt OK. He still felt his skin crawling, felt like any minute now his father was going to spring up and drag him back and hurt him worse and part of him wanted that. At least then his dad would be taking him back, he'd still be useful. John walked in and stuck close to the wall, Bro following behind carrying their bags. None of them were really ready for this, their lives having been changed in the course of a week.

 

Bro was the first to talk, throwing their bags inside the hallway before flash stepping over to the futon and collapsing.

 

“My baby. I missed you so, I know I smell like other bed’s I’m sorry. They meant nothing to me I swear!” He rolled around, gathering the thin stained blanket and raggety pillows around his head as he spoke to the fold out. He knew he’d look crazy to anyone that wasn’t used to his mannerisms but he’d been away for so long. Laying on his couch bed was like sucking God’s dick. But better. Holy mouth fuck. He rolled onto his back and smiled, bringing the pillows and blanket over his head before relaxing back into it. Home sweet home baby. 

 

Dave grabbed his and John’s bags and carried them into his room, setting them both on his bed before sitting down on his computer chair. 

“So I don’t know what we’re going to do about beds right now… I guess you can take mine and I’ll take the floor for tonight, I think bro might actually clear out his room and let you sleep there, he doesn’t use it ‘cept to store felt.” He turned to face John who was still standing by the doorway. He didn’t know how to act here really. Their family dynamics seemed so different from how he was raised, it was a big change. 

“He doesn’t need to give me his room.”

“Nah it’s cool. He really never uses it. I haven’t really been inside that mess in years, he chills in the living room or on the roof.” John pressed his side into the door frame and looked down. He didn’t know what to do. He wanted to just stay silent and not bother the Striders at all but they kept insisting on doing things for him. It was all too weird. 

“Fine I guess…” John looked around the room, taking in all of the boxes of papers and wires thrown around the room. It was a mess, John knew if his room had ever gotten like that his dad would make him sleep in the living room where anyone could look in for a month. He noticed something shine a little on the desk where Dave’s laptop was and snickered a little. “Dude is that your kazoo?” It was fancy, gold colored metal tuned and perfect. Dave smiled a little and picked it up, blowing a few times to show off some notes.

“You bet your ass it is. You didn’t really think I was kidding about playing the kazoo right?”

“I thought you were trying to be funny. Does that mean your school kazoo club is really a thing?”

“Yup. And you’re talking to the founder and ironically self appointed president.” He set the kazoo down and leaned back, laughing to himself a little. John walked over and sat on the bed, wringing his hands in his lap as he smiled a little. It was just like a long ass sleepover. He could do this. 

 

In the other room Bro lay on his back, enjoying the familiar feeling of home. It was shitty and run down, all he could afford at the time he got Dave, and even now that he has money and could move them into a better house he doesn’t. The shitty apartment held all of their memories. All of the ones that mattered anyway. Dave’s first birthday party and strifes. The slice, going only about two inches deep, on the wall by the sink in the kitchen was where Dave did a perfect dodge and the stain on the cabinets parallel to it was from him landing his first blow to Bro just second later. Every stain and dent meant something. He didn’t get to have much of a childhood, spending all of his energy keeping Dave close and keeping him safe. By the time he aged out Dave was 11 and still, thankfully, had no idea how bad some of their other homes were. 

 

The sound of Dave and John laughing about something from the other room brought Bro back to reality. He just took in another kid. He doesn’t really like kids. Dave’s the exception seeing as he’s blood. But John, John wasn’t really anything to him. Just one of Dave’s friends that was going through some shit he shouldn’t have had to. But he couldn’t just leave him there. The kid was too cute and too little to have to go through that shit. He let out a sigh and stood, allowing the blanket and pillows to fall around his feet. He’d have to register the kid and deal with more adults than he felt like. Flash stepping to one of the many hidden doors he had to the ceiling, he took a quick look into Dave’s room. 

 

He guessed doing something good was alright as he climbed up into his hiding hole and went about ignoring the world.


	7. New School and Friends?

Within the week, Bro had cleared out his bedroom, albeit reluctantly, and moved stacks of creepy puppet comics and rolls of felt into the hall closet. His bed was old and creaked at any moment, but John didn’t mind; it was his and he didn’t want to ask for a new one- even though bro said he’d buy him one. The room was small and the walls were stained, but it was warm and he could keep food there if he wanted to either snack on it, or live off of it. He set up his clothes in wooden drawers that creaked and looked like the third one was going to crack, and curled up on top of the bed, wrapping himself in the thin sheet that was on top. He wanted to get more blankets but with the heat in the air he knew he wouldn’t need any more. He breathed out a sigh of relief and closed his eyes. Maybe tonight he would sleep in the bed.

 

Bro went out and got John registered the next morning, receiving odd questions and having to call Egbert a few times so he could confirm some things. As long as the douchebag didn’t decide to take the boy back. John would start the next day, a Wednesday, and he still needed to go get him school supplies. The day was spent outside more than in, and it was starting to make bro’s skin crawl. He took John out and let him pick out a back-pack, having to tell him several times it was okay, and that he didn’t care how much it costed, and got him all the paper and pencils and erasers he would need for the rest of the year. Noticing that John was standing by the art supplies section a little longer than anywhere else, Bro piped up about it.

“You wanna get somethin’ from here?” Bro’s hands were shoved into his pockets and his shoulder sunk a little when he noticed John jump a little at his voice. 

“Uhhh… No it’s fine, I think we have everything.” He wanted to go home as much as Bro did, not liking the threat of being out in the open anymore. He hadn’t gotten to use proper art supplies in a very long time but he didn’t want to ask for anything else.

“You draw or somethin? I’ll get you stuff, I get Dave shit like this too.” He bought Dave so many charcoal and pencil sets, he was surprised that the apartment wasn’t covered in dark black sketches. “Pick out whatever and we’ll leave, I wanna go get some food before it gets too dark.” Letting out a sigh, he took a look around the WalMart. He was starting getting looks because of his shades and hair, and he wanted out quick.

 

John picked out a led pencil, some inking pens, and a set of acrylic paints along with a good quality sketchbook. He felt weird and wanted to put them back but he was also excited to get some new things. His dad hadn’t liked him doing art. Even though his art teacher told him he had some talent and could be really good if he worked at it, he put down the pencils and sat down at the piano bench because that was a hobby his dad would allow. After the two checked out, they went to pick up Chinese food and head back to the apartment. John’s skin was crawling and he just wanted to feel cooler. He’d spent so long being forced to endure cold if he was bad, but now he was missing it. He took the bags with his school supplies and went into his room before taking his shirt off and collapsing on the bed. He wanted to sleep off the heat but he knew that said heat would never leave because he was now in Texas and heat was something he would have to live with. He rolled over on his back and pinched at the layer of baby fat on his stomach. He didn’t like that he was bigger, every time he saw someone cute or thought about actually trying to get a relationship, he realized that he was too big and that no one would really like him. He let out a sigh and let his arms relax back. He didn’t want to start at a new school and get asked questions about why he moved there in the middle of the year. Dave knocked on his door and he scrambled to get his shirt back on, sitting crossed legged in the middle of the bed.

“Yeah?”

“We’re gonna start digging into the food, you should come get what you want now before it get’s shoved down Bro’s bottomless pit of a stomach.” John gave him a smile and nodded.

“I’ll be out in a little…. Maybe... I’m not feeling to hungry right now.” His stomach was still uneasy from being out and having to think about things, he just didn’t think he could hold something down. The stomach in question was still in knots because of the fact that all the Strider’s seem to eat is junk food. All the oil made him feel like he was being weighed down, and he had diarrhea the first two days.

“You still not used to the food? Maybe bat your eyelashes a little to Bro and ask if he can start buying real food, he might do it for you.” Dave smiled and walked into the living room, leaving the door half open. John flopped back and rested his forearm over his eyes. Everything was different, there was such a culture shock in his life he still didn’t know what all to do.

 

He woke up early the next day; 4:32 AM, and no one else in the house was awake. He considered just staying in bed until he needed to get up, but his stomach let out a noise and he realized he really needed to go to the bathroom. Silently cursing the Strider’s eating habits, he made his way half-blinded by the dark to the bathroom. He still felt awkward to go to the bathroom in their apartment, hating going where anyone was around in general. He’d just need to get used to living with people; Bro mentioned him seeing a therapist soon, he didn’t know how he was feeling about that. He wanted to be able to walk around and not feel worried, but at the same time he didn’t want to bother anyone with his problems. He ended up spending the next two hours in the bathroom, pacing around or looking at himself in the mirror. Everything was different and he felt like something was going to happen, the anxiety was so much that he almost wished someone would just yell at him or hit him or something- please, just to get it over with! But day in and day out and nothing came. Like some long winded trick; a cruel way to make him so on edge that he’d break easier. It was a terrible feeling, wanting someone to hurt you so that at least it was out of the way. It made him sick to his stomach because that meant that his dad was right. He was asking for it.

 

By the time Dave’s alarm could be heard through the much too thin walls, John had showered and dressed himself, choosing not to eat in favor of staring blankly at the floor. He didn’t know if he was truly ready to start school just yet. School meant other kids. Other kids meant questions. Dave walked into John’s room and snapped his fingers a few times, jolting John out of his stupor. 

“C'mon, we have to head out now if we want to catch the bus.” John gave him a quick nod and grabbed his backpack, following Dave out chancing a glance over at Bro who was sleeping soundly on the fold out couch. The outside was hot. Everything was hot. Hot, hot, hot. John didn’t know if it was the actual outside temperature or his nerves heating him up, but he wanted to strip down and jump in a bucket of ice. They waited for a few minutes before the bus came and Dave stepped in first, keeping John close to him. It was only half full and Dave took a seat by a group in the back, patting the seat next to him for John to sit. He clutched his backpack and tensed up, looking around at who seemed to be Dave’s friends.

“Hey guys, this is the kid I was tellin' ya about. John, these are my friends Karkat, Terezi, Jade and Jake.” The girl with red glasses smiled and extended her arm out into the middle of the aisle, slightly off from where John was sitting, before the boy with pale skin and bags under his eyes grabbed her wrist and moved it closer to John.

“Hello!! My name is Terezi and this little ball of sunshine who helped me with finding your location is Karkat.” John smiled and took her hand, shaking it lightly before looking around at the others.

“I’m Jade. Nice to meet you,” the girl with black, longer hair said.

“And I’m Jake. I trust you'll fit in chap!” must be from England, based on the accent.

“It’s nice to meet you.” John gave them a quick greeting and rested his chin on his bag. Dave gave his friends a shrug, and starting to talk to them about some friend, and a game they were going to go to.


	8. Football Games and Boyfriends?

The bus ride was quick, but it felt like all eyes were on John. He wanted to crawl out of his skin so badly. School started an hour later than in Washington, 8:15 rather than 7:15, so there were more kids buzzing about the halls. Dave’s friends were nice and he got a lot of ‘hello’s’ and ‘what’s up’s’ from other kids on the way to his locker. John followed behind him, looking around and worrying. When Dave was done with his normal routine, he took John over to his new locker and then to the library to wait for the first bell to ring.

“You doing okay man? The kids here really aren’t dicks, even if some of them act like they are. This is a pretty progressive area- or at least as progressive as Texas can get. I mean, we don’t all have posters of Flo that we worship, but people are a lot more accepting here, if you’re worried about any of that.” He patted John’s shoulder a little and grabbed a book out from the small pouch of his bag. 

“I’m not worried about any of that… Well I wasn’t until you brought it up, I just missed a lot here and I don’t know if anyone’s going to like me... or whatever.”

“Don’t sweat it man, you’re a good people-person when you aren’t scared, as soon as you calm down a little, you’ll be drowning in friends!” John held his bag close to himself and nodded a little. He knew he had second and sixth period with Dave and they both had third lunch, but for the rest of the day, he was on his own. Dave said he had friends in all of John’s classes to make sure he was alright, but that really didn’t take the edge off.

 

The bell rang, and Dave walked John to his first class- AP English Language and Composition 11- and told him that he’d meet him as soon as the bell rang. John nodded his head and stepped in. The woman he met eyes with could not be his teacher. There was no way! She sat at the computer chair dressed in jeans and a Captain America shirt. That wasn’t the abnormal thing. The abnormal thing in the room was that she had a unicorn hat and an abundance of figurines scattered around the room. He walked in and stood as close as he could to the wall. The woman, Mrs. Northington according to his schedule, looked over at him and let out a sigh. 

“Is that wall comfortable or should I get you a pillow?” John shook his head and walked over to her desk, taking in the animal figurines and stacks of paper.

“I umm… I just started here and I don’t know where I should sit.”

“I don’t have a new student on my roster.” John reached into his pocket and gave her his schedule. Dave said she could be crazy, and that was making John really worried. “Hmmmm… Alright, go over there and sit by Andrea- Andrea stop drinking laundry detergent and raise your hand.” John looked over at the desks and saw a boy raising his hand and shaking his head. 

“I told you it’s just water.” He had a thick Italian accent and the bottle of water on his desk did look extremely similar to a clear tide bottle. John walked over to the desk next to him and set this things down before sitting and looking around. 

“Hi, I’m John.” The other boy shook his hand and Mrs. Northington came by his desk.

“You missed a lot and some of the handouts aren’t available anymore but you will need them so try copying some key points from some of your fellow students. You’ll need a 2 inch binder just for this class, keep everything in order because we’ll be using a lot of things from the beginning of the year. You’re just in time to join us in eating babies!” John gave her a look and she smiled before handing him a packet with the title ‘A Modest Proposal’.

“Wh-what?”

“Eating babies. You weren’t here for the powerpoint but Andrea can fill you in on those details. We have an Impromptu tomorrow so I’d suggest reading that on your free time. Today we’ll be working with rhetorical devices, you’re familiar with rhetorical devices correct?” John nodded. “Good. We’ll be reviewing the rhetorical devices used in Yertle the Turtle so I hope you like Dr. Seuss.” She walked back over to her desk and grabbed a large stack of pamphlets, handing them out to every student before going back to her desk. John skimmed over the first packet and realized what she meant by eating babies. He wasn’t looking forward to the prospect of having to write an essay on eating babies as a way to improve the economic standing in 18th century Ireland. The class moved fast and Mrs. Northington made a lot of comments that worried John a little. Andrea, whom he learned was an Italian exchange student, told him she just did it to mess with everyone and that she wasn’t truly crazy. He seemed nice and the class, albeit strange, was nice and proved a good intellectual challenge. After class John met Dave by the door, and was shooed by Mrs. Northington flicking her fingers saying ‘unicorn dust, unicorn dust for you all. scamper. scamper my pretties.’ in a high pitched tone. Dave took John to their next class- band- and got him set up where the other piano players were at. The band teacher, Mr. Weatherington was very nice. He let everyone have mostly free time, and the only off thing about him was the way he and the choir teacher had a strange level of shared intimacy with each other. Dave told him that Weatherington was married to the 12th grade AP English teacher, and they had a kid who was one of the freshmen. John found it weird seeing as he seemed more of a match to the choir teacher seeing as they both looked borderline handsy with each other, but he let it go. 

 

The rest of his classes were equally weird, between monotone voiced Chemistry teachers, overly cheery Pre-Calculus teachers, sarcastic Civics teachers and sexual innuendo filled German teachers, John didn’t know whether or not to be impressed with the level of diversity in the school or terrified over the fact that a school allowed crazy people to teach children. Dave was talking in his group of friends and rubbed the back of his neck when one of them mentioned going to the last football game for their school.

“Nah me and my main man John are just gonna go home tonight.” John felt bad, he knew it must be stressing Dave out to help him adjust to everything.

“I… I guess I wanna go. I mean we can go- you don’t have to go home because of me.” Dave gave him a look but before he could say anything Jade was bouncing up and down happily.

“That’s great! We’re going to cheer on some of our friends, mostly because Karkat’s going to finally get to go on the field. It’ll be so much fun with you coming along!” John smiled a little, and Dave smiled too.

“I guess we’re coming along.”

 

The game was filled with screaming people and it got dark very quick. Dave’s group stood by the fence to get a better view of the game and Jake bought everyone hot chocolate. By the end of the game their schools team won, and everyone was either screaming or booing. They all stayed behind to meet up with Karkat, and a few other friends that were on the football team. John was smiling by the end of the night, it was a long day but he made some friends and the game was a lot more fun than he thought it would be! They met up with Karkat and some of his friends, Gamzee and Equius. John couldn’t help but let his eyes linger on Equius a little longer than normal. He was tall and built and even though he was scary-looking, it was hard not to stare. Dave nudged John a little and gave him a smirk. John stuck his tongue out at him and looked back over at Equius, finding that he was looking at him too. He looked down and smiled a little to himself, Texas might not be as bad as he originally thought.

 

They all went out to get ice cream and french fries at McDonalds, and throughout the course of the night John found himself talking more and more to Equius. He looked big and scary, but he was actually really nice, a little strange in how he treated the McDonalds staff but... nice overall. Dave gave John a few winks and nudges, and John flipped him off twice. 

“So Equius, you gonna ask my main man for his number before we leave or just stalk him?” John wanted to slap Dave across the face with his chair. He had a shit-eating grin on his face, and Equius looked a little confused for a moment.

“You aren’t leaving now are you?”

“We actually are, Bro’s feeling abandoned and sent me a snapchat of a few of his smuppets now dressed in my shirts on my bed. I need to get back before he starts leaving me voicemails of him singing I Will Always Love You.” 

“Then I must do this now. John, could I bother you for your number?” Three sets of wide eyes and a jerky head nod later, John was putting his new number into Equius’s phone before getting dragged away to go back home.

 

He was really liking Texas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not updating last week, things popped up and I didn't have time. But hopefully two chapters tonight will make me forgiven? 
> 
> I know Johnquius is a really rare pair and like.... Not a lot of people get it but I like it and I know this is a BroJohn and there will be BroJohn but I like plot and want to get some things in play before shit like that happens and this is important for the development and plus I'm the writer so fuck the police I do what I want...
> 
> Please enjoy and tell your friends :D
> 
> ((I also based crazy teacher off my english teacher Mrs. Northington because that woman is crazy and need's to be written about.))


	9. Swim Suits and Sexting?

The next few weeks were odd, to say the least! John was happy that he actually got approached by someone hot, and popular, and did he mention hot? But at the same time, there was still other stuff going on. He reacted badly to impromptu strifes in the Strider house, and out of pity Bro moved them to times when John was either showering or asleep. John woke some days to find a plastic bag or two by his door with fruits and canned vegetables or vitamins in it. Every day there was at least one snack set out for him, a candy bar or pack of gum. 

 

Bro was trying. He felt like he had to. This beautiful blue eyed boy that was smart and as innocent as a kitten went through so much, he figured the treats and unprocessed food was a good start at making him comfortable. John learned quickly that Bro wasn’t good with stocking the fridge with things that were actually edible. He didn’t like getting things in large quantities from stores because he hated waiting in lines to check out. Dave stored things in his room, and the only thing besides swords in the fridge were a few quarter gallons of milk that were bought in passing at gas stations. Almost everything was from a gas station or ordered in. The fruits John got as gifts were the only real things Bro willingly bought on his own. Dave would have felt jealous if he didn’t know why he was doing that. He knew what his brother went through when they were kids now that he was old enough to understand and got why Bro was so protective over John.

 

John was happy that even though Bro came into his room from time to time he only dropped things off. He never went through his things and for that John was thankful. He wasn’t trying to hide anything he just…

 

In the last week John was plagued by nightmares. He woke startled and on the brink of screaming. He kept quiet more and wanted everything to just go away. He liked his classes and liked talking to Equius but there was too much. He took more showers, starting them ice cold then cranking them to nothing but hot once his body got numb. He didn’t think of it as actual self harm! Because he wasn’t bleeding or bruised, so it didn’t count, right? The reason he was happy Bro wasn’t going through his room was because three days ago, he tore apart one of Bro’s shaving razors and hid them under his bed, not actually using them, just keeping them close.

 

John talked to Equius at lunch every day and after school three days a week. They didn’t talk about much at first, just got to know each other a little each day until John could spend an hour listening to Equius. He didn’t know much about his hobbies, and got bored at times but Equius seemed so happy to be talking about what he liked and John wanted to keep him happy! He wanted to keep him there and talking and paying attention. John was still skittish with being touched and he kept it a secret from Equius, internally screaming any time he wrapped an arm around him or hugged him goodbye. He didn’t hate being touched my Equius, it wasn’t that at all! He just... wasn’t too good with being touched at all. 

 

John learned quickly that getting a C+ in Northingtons class was like getting an A in a normal class. She graded tough and cut no slack. John was drowning in homework and catch-up work because he wanted to finish out the semester with at least a B- and it was only adding to his stress. Six days since he mangled Bro’s razor and hid the sharp insides.

 

Dave’s group of friends wanted to go to the beach. The tenth graders were testing, so Juniors and Seniors got three days of just two classes. It was Jade and her brother that brought up the idea to skip a day and drive down to the beach. John had actually forgotten that texas had a beach! The typical stereotypes made it seem like there was nothing but dry earth and semi uninhabitable heat in Texas. Dave told his brother what they were going to do, and he only replied with, “As your guardian I need to tell you you can’t do that… But as your bomb as fuck brother I can let it slide as long as you bring me back something”. John was still getting used to the tones Dave would take with Bro, and seeing him tell Bro they were going to skip school and not ask was pretty strange to him.

 

Bro lent John swim trunks and dropped off a bag with sun screen and a snickers bar while John was asleep. When John got up, he found a new message on his phone, a nicer touch screen that the Striders got for him, and felt like his face was on fire when he saw what it was. Equius had sent him three different pictures, all of him in different swimsuits with the single caption at the bottom asking which one he should wear to the beach. It made him feel awkward to look over pictures like that but he couldn’t say he hated it. It was just new. He looked the pictures over, for a little longer than he should, and told Equius he should go with the dark blue one and pack the light blue one as a spare. He felt strange that he was slightly turned on by simple pictures of… Was Equius his boyfriend? He didn’t really know what they were. Flirting buddies? Sure, why not. He was getting up to go shower and get dressed, when he got an even stranger text.

 

CT: D --> Are you going to send me one of you in your suit?  
EB: you want to see me in my trunks?  
CT: D --> I would very much appreciate it.  
EB: uhhhh... sure one sec.  
CT: D --> Take your time.

John felt a deep flush set across his face and he went to grab his trunks and put them on. He contemplated leaving his night shirt but he had a feeling Equius wouldn’t be so good with that. He made sure the door was shut and took a series of pictures, scrolling through them to find the best one before sending it.

CT: D --> You 100k quite good in that. Green is your color.  
EB: oh god. thanks, this all feels kinda weird.  
CT: D --> Why has this made you feel strange?

Oh no.

EB: well you're cool and nice looking and i didn't really expect you to want to see me like... this.  
CT: D --> That being the case, I still chose to speak with you on these terms and if i say you 100k good that should be taken in the highest regards.

 

John hit his forehead and flopped back onto his bed. He really didn’t want to have made Equius mad. He liked having him around as someone to talk to and didn’t want to have messed anything up.

EB: right! i'm sorry if that came out wrong. i meant to say that i'm happy you think i'm good enough.  
CT: D --> Good. I will see you soon. Maybe a little more if things go well.

John bit at his lower lip and worried a little. He didn’t really want to move fast and the way Equius had been talking lately, it seemed like he wanted to.

EB: right. see you soon.

 

John had a slight quiver attached to him for most of the morning as he got ready. He shut his phone off and got dressed in silence, grabbing a box of rice krispies from his closet before going out to grab the milk and eat some breakfast. He ran into Bro and ducked his head down, not really wanting to talk to him that day.

“Ya sleep alright kid?” John nodded quick and turned, before a hand clapped on his shoulder stopped him dead in his tracks. “Really? Cuz ya don’t seem like it. I know that face, you wan’ talk about it?” John looked up at Bro with wide eyes as he tensed up.

“No… I umm.. Could you not do that please?” John looked down, hoping that it was okay to say that. He felt bad for what he’d said to Equius, and didn’t want to seem ungrateful to Bro. Bro pulled his hand back and faced both palms out. 

“No problem little dude. But really, if somethin’s goin down you can talk to me ‘bout it.” John nodded his head and walked over to the fridge, grabbing a bowl before setting up his breakfast and retreating to his room quick after that. He knew somewhere deep inside that his situation with Equius was a little off but Equius was too good for him and he didn’t want to mess that up. He wanted to show him how good he could be so he would keep him. He didn’t want to be thrown away again. He wouldn’t let that happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yea... I ship Johnquius really hard but I ship it like this. Kinda weird almost one sided black. I like to think that since Equius is hella in the hierarchy shit he'd be like this in a relationship with someone lower than him in his mind. We've all seen how he can be with people higher than him, I can only imagine that he'd want any lower than him partner to be subservient like that. And then John having the weird daddy issued background made for this ship to just be... messed up and perfect and yea. 
> 
> Enjoy this.


	10. Sand and Liking It

John spent his morning eating and getting ready to go and pile into Jade’s van and drive off to the beach. He felt slightly sick to his stomach, and could not- for the life of him- figure out how to stop it. His skin prickled and felt like it was on fire and every sound made him jump from his skin, and there was nothing he could do about it. Dave knocked on his door twice before walking in, sitting down at the end of John’s bed close to the closet and helped himself to a packet of dried apples, one of the many treats Bro had left for John.

 

“We’re gonna be heading out soon, shit these are good, you think you can get Bro to drop me off presents like some fucking offering to the dead? I swear he likes you more.” John looked down, a layer of gooseflesh spreading over his body

“I’m sorry,” he didn’t know what else to say to that. He knew Bro gave him more treats and he didn’t know if he should stop it or not.

“I’m just messin’ with you man, Bro leave me money so I can go out and buy this shit myself, he only gives it to you cuz he knows you prolly ain’t ready to go out and brave a store. Hell, he ain’t ready to brave stores all the time; most’a this shit’s from gas stations and that one corner store down the road.” Dave’s accent kicked in as he leaned back and stuffed his face with dried fruit. John didn’t realize that Bro made sure Dave had things; he knew he had a stash in his room just the same but figured Dave made Bro take him out to buy all of that.

“Oh… Then why are you eating my food, loser.” He reached forward to snatch the bag from Dave’s hand, sticking his tongue out and he hid it behind his back.

“Because I blow my money on AJ and Ramen now give it back.” John smiled and shook his head, able to joke around like this with Dave was fun. He wasn’t scared of the smaller blonde, Dave was his lifeline for so many years being dicks to each other was just their way of showing friendship. Dave wasn’t something John could be afraid of; he’d proven himself worthy of comfort years before. Everyone else was still new; they were not on Dave’s level.

“Fat chance numb nuts, go buy your own.” Dave looked over John’s face and collapsed on his bed, throwing an arm over his face before letting out an over exaggerated groan.

“John, my best friend, I’m dying here… I won’t make it, I see a light.” The line made John snicker and he threw the half empty bag on Dave’s stomach.

“Good, now stop being such a drama queen;” he sat by Dave and pat his head a few times, “It’s really not attractive.”

Dave scoffed, “what do you know about attractive?”

“Equius thinks I am…” Dave smirked and poked John’s side.

“How are you two doing? I didn’t really take Equi for gay.” John smiled and looked down at his lap.

“I think we’re doing good, I mean we talk all the time and he likes me.” The last part was a big thing for John.

“That’s cool, I didn’t think you’d have a lot of things to talk about. You’re both pretty different.” Dave finished off his fruits and set the empty bad on John’s lap.

“We have a lot to talk about. I like the things that make him happy, he really gets into the things he’s passionate about like engineering and robots. He’s really cool and really interesting.” And he actually talks to me and gives me the time of day, I hope he doesn’t get bored with me. There were some thoughts that John couldn’t voice to Dave… At least not yet. Not for a while.

 

Jade came by their apartment around 10 and John and Dave went out, Dave telling Bro they’d be bad and bring back hookers. Everyone else was already in the van, piled in the back area playing cards on the top of a plastic bin cover. John smiled wide when he saw Equius in the far left corner of the back and walked over, crouching awkwardly before Equius told Karkat to move and make room. An arm was wrapped around John’s shoulder and he internally wigged out and then hated himself for wigging out because he shouldn’t be like that with him, if Equius wanted to wrap an arm around him he should be happy, not scared.

 

The beach was… Hot. Hotter than any beach he’d been to in Washington. The sand burned and John was glad he had sunscreen to keep his paler skin safe. Equius kept John close, holding his arm or calling him over if they got separated. John was happy to keep close, allowing Equius to move him along and keep him in one place if he wished. When the group started to play an (as Dave called it) ironic game of volleyball, John was told to sit off to the side and did so happily, watching everyone play as he sat on a towel and kept an eye on their things.

 

Jade dropped out of the game early and went to sit by John, whistling at the boys still playing volley ball.

“Hey, John you feeling good today?” Most of the group knew John’s history and asked him on a daily basis if he was alright.

“Yeah, I’m doing pretty good.” He gave Jade a smile and looked back at the guys playing volleyball. Jade followed his gaze and smiled wide.

“You’re pretty lucky. Equius is kinda weird but he’s really hot, you bagged a good one.”

“Aha… Yeah I guess I did.”

 

The night drug on and the group had a pretty good day at the beach. Dave got a terrible sunburn because he was too good for sunblock and Jade ended up stuffing sand down everyone’s shorts and shirts. John was still a little skiddish with the remarks Equius would give him or how touchy he could be but he kept silent about it all. They were driving back to the apartment when Dave had a great idea.

“Let’s all crash at my place and watch movies, Bro just replaced the TV and the quality is off the fucking chain.” John wanted to laugh at him because that was the lamest thing he’d ever heard come out of Dave’s mouth but the rest of the group seemed up to it. Bro wasn’t around when they piled into the house but Dave still yelled an, “I’m home and bring guests” into the air as they passed through the doorway. Hours were spent watching movies and playing video games until half of the party, including Dave, were sprawled out on the couch fast asleep. John removed himself from the horde long before, going into his room to spend some time alone and maybe (hopefully?) sleep. He liked spending time with everyone he just… Needed alone time to recompose. Going out was a big thing. He needed to get psyched up and John was feeling pretty drained.

 

“Hello?” He looked up at his door to see Equius poking his head in. John fumbled with his blanket and sat up in his bed.

“Oh, hey… So you guys are spending the night?” John felt nervous. Every part of him was feeling on edge but he couldn’t show it. He wasn’t going to show it.

“It seems so.” He had an odd smile as he walked over to John’s bed and waved his hand in a signal for him to scoot over. This is wrong. No. This is very bad. John moved, feeling tense and a little sick. He curled up and looked down at his knees as Equius went under the cover with him. “You don’t mind if I sleep here tonight.” It wasn’t a question. John knew it wasn’t. He nodded his head just to give a reply and wondered why this. Why did it have to be like this. He was asking for it. He was asking for it and he couldn’t be upset or say no because this was his fault. His dad was right. 

 

John repeated that though in his head as Equius moved them and pressed his chest to John’s back, soothing a large hand over his side and down to his front as he leaned in to whisper, “You’ll like this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like... It really isn't that far off to think if John had gone through shit with begin abused he'd end up in another abusive relationship. It happens. Sometimes you don't even know that you're doing it. Going out of your way to find someone who uses a similar tone or just looks at you the same. And sometimes they can tell you were broken. It all happens and yea.... I promise things get better ;//3//;
> 
> I got a new beta a while back. ishouldjuststopnow is their AO3 name and their tumblr is twollux and yeah check them out yo.


	11. Pianos and Saying No

John woke up cold. He was covered in blankets and being held by a solid wall of heated muscle but he was still cold. His skin prickled and he felt like he was going to vomit. The first thing he noticed was the cold; the second was his lack of clothes. He couldn’t breath. Well he could, but it hurt. Everything hurt. There was really no physical reason for his body to hurt. Aside from Equius’s overpowering demeanor he was very gentle with John, there was no physical pain caused and no reason for John’s body to be stiff and feel like it was burning but oh so cold on top of that. He felt pain inside. He felt terrible and sick and his body hurt but there was no reason. He wanted it. He wanted it and he let Equius into his bed and he didn’t say no and he got hard and he liked it and he came so there was no reason he should be acting like a baby. He curled into himself a little, Equius’s breath passing over his shoulder in small puffs. He curled up and was covered in blankets but he was still so cold.

 

Dave came by John’s room and knocked on the wall as he snickered.

“Get up guys, we’re going to McDonalds for breakfast.” He walked back into the living room and John could only imagine what he was telling everyone. John tensed up when Equius tightened his grip around his stomach as he woke up. John grabbed at Equius’s arm and tried to move it off of him to move and get up but he tightened his grip.

“Where are you going? You don’t just get up after being with someone like that John, it’s very rude.” John froze and settled back in the bed.

“They’re all going… We need to get ready soon.” Equius let out a sigh and pet at John’s head before getting up and stretching. 

“You still need to take me into consideration John. I think I’ll just start leaving you while you’re asleep after we’re intimate. Would you like that John?” He shook his head and wrapped his blanket around his body, looking down as Equius grabbed his clothes off the floor and got dressed. “I didn’t think so. Get ready, and next time we do this you should be thoroughly readied. Do some research and be in the best condition for me.

John nodded quickly and ducked his head down, “OK.” He felt a deep blush cross over his face as Equius walked out to join the rest of the group. His blanket was dirty and would need to be cleaned soon. He wasn’t expecting sex, really. He felt terrible after when Equius chose to scold him for having not ‘cleaned himself out’ before. While he was in the bathroom cleaning himself off before they went to bed. John wanted to cry, he was reminded again of his fault and it was an embarrassing thing to think about.

 

John went straight for the bathroom and locked the door behind him. Everything was… Sticky. He turned the shower on and got in quickly, turning it all the way to hot before he started to clean himself off. He felt dirty; inside and out and nothing was going to fix this feeling.

 

When John was finished cleaning up and getting ready he walked over to the living room and looked down when Dave winked at him.

“Alright, let’s go to McD’s!” Dave waved a hand and motioned for everyone to walk out with him. Equius was one of the first to leave, giving John the cold shoulder for this morning. John trailed behind, getting stopped by the door before a five dollar bill and a folded up piece of paper was slipped in his hand. He didn’t see anyone but figured it was Bro. He stopped and looked at the note, eyes scanning quickly.

 

I heard through the grape vine that is Dave’s big mouth that you got laid last night. Not going to tell you not to have sex here but be careful. Stay safe and use condoms. Here’s a 5 for candy or whatever, I wont be able to get out of the house today.  
-Bro

 

John smiled a little at the note, folding it back up before shoving both things into his pocket. It was a small gesture but it was sweet. He caught up with the group and stuck close to Dave on the ride. They all bought different things and spread the food out on a large table to share and eat potluck style. John didn’t really touch his food, not feeling up to eating just yet. He avoided glances and everyone pushed it off as him being embarrassed about them knowing he had sex. Really he was still ashamed that he made Equius mad this morning. After they ate and goofed off in the McDonalds everyone got dropped off at their houses and Dave and John went back home. John only smiled and nodded off questions when Dave brought up his night and told him he didn’t really want to talk about it. When he got home there was a box of condoms and lube on his bed.

 

Almost everyone encouraged John and Equius’s relationship. Dave pushed John to him any time he could and everyone else constantly asked them questions about their relationship. After a few days of cold shoulder Equius started talking to John again and he was even more attached to him because he was giving him attention and was there again and that meant John hadn’t messed up as bad and he needed to make Equius realize he won't do it ever again. Bro allowed John to have Equius over and stayed out of their way for the most part, checking in on the from time to time or setting out small pranks that wouldn’t freak either of them out too much. He wanted to tell John he thought Equius was bad news. He could feel it but the kid was so happy with him. There was still a lot Bro could do to make sure John was safe though, a little spying was just what he was going to have to do. 

 

John and Equius were in his room, both watching a movie on the TV John got when he moved into the room. Everything was OK, they were on the bed backs pressed against the back wall as Equius wrapped an arm around John. It was innocent looking enough. The movie was something Equius picked out and John didn’t really pay attention to. He was moreso there to make Equius happy. The hand on his shoulder soothed down his arm and then traveled down the grip his side. John turned to ask what he was doing and was silenced by a set of lips covering his. He stiffened a little but let him have his way, allowing his body to be laid down.

“E-Equius… Wait I don’t… Equius there are people in the house.” He was molded around Equius as he shushed him.

“We did it with people in the house before, don’t be such a prude.” He moved the kisses to John’s neck and bit lightly when he moved in a way he didn’t like. This was a lot. It was midday and John was scared. Scared they’d get caught and scared to do it. He felt large hands on his sides move to pull his pants down roughly. He didn’t want this. He invited it. Equius moved his hands between his cheek and pressed a finger in cry, making John gasp out a little. “You’re going to like this baby, trust me.” He wasn’t going to like this, this hurt. Why wasn’t he using lube? Equius moved back and pulled John’s legs up to rest on his shoulders. No. A sick feeling dropped in John’s stomach when he figured it out.

“Equius no, stop. Please don’t do this, please.” He didn’t want it to hurt. He didn’t want him to go in dry. He wasn’t asking for /this/. 

“Calm down. I’ve always wanted to try this.” He fumbled with his fly and John started to thrash. His heart was beating fast and he didn’t want this. He needed to get away.

“Stop! Equius stop I don’t want to-”

Slap.

 

Bro was out in the living room, sitting on the couch watching Gilmore Girls because it was a good show and if a grown ass man wanted to watch a touching soap about a spunky mother daughter duo in his free time he fucking could. Sookie was about to show Lorelai the baby things when Bro heard noise in the background. He shrugged it off and gave himself an internal thumbs up when it was boy stuff. Called it. The sounds came back and he flash stepped over the Dave’s door. Shit was asleep at his computer chair. Not him. He went over to John’s room and stood close, listening for the noise and found more than he wanted.

“Equius no, stop. Please don’t do this, please.”

“Calm down. I’ve always wanted to try this.”

“Stop! Equius stop I don’t want to-”

 

He barged in when he heard the slap, not really surprised to see John without his pants on after what he heard. Equius was kneeling with Johns legs over a shoulder and one of his hands had trailed down to the now sobbing boys throat. John looked more scared than Bro had seen him before, and he’d sneakily watched a lot of his panic attacks just to make sure he was OK from afar.

“You need to leave now.” He couldn’t beat the kid there, he wasn’t an adult yet and he really didn’t want to get brought up on abuse charges and lose Dave. The larger boy looked back at his and let out an almost annoyed sigh. He dropped John’s legs and stood, brushing his pants off before grabbing his bag. “You best hope your parents have good lawyers because I’m calling the cops. Now get the fuck outta my house.”

 

John watched as Equius left and curled into himself, crying hard as he covered himself and hid his face. He felt terrible; and odd sense of fear, relief and disappointment. He was still scared from what almost happened and was happy someone stopped it. He was also disappointed in himself. He got caught doing something and Equius was going to get in trouble now. It’s his fault he’s in trouble. It’s also Equius’s fault he’s in trouble. If he’d just caved and said yes. If he’d just accepted the no. It went both ways and John didn’t know how to feel. Everything was confusing and messed up.

 

Bro left his room quick, pacing the floor before banging on Dave’s door to wake him up.

“Call the fucking cops and get one here now.” The disheveled blonde came out and brought his phone to his ear quickly when seeing Bro’s face. He didn’t want what to do. He was supposed to be keeping John safe here. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He went back to his room and went by the bed. Not sure on what to do. What was the protocol for this besides calling the cops. He’d been in John’s situation before but no one ever tried to help him out. He moved to kneel down in front of John’s face and brought his blanket over him, flinching back just as much as John did. He stayed there though, until a cop came to see what happened and take a statement. John wasn’t really talking. More blank stares and tears. Bro said what he saw and John opened up a little and admitted that he didn’t want to have sex that time and that Equius did hit him. A few pictures and writing later and John was just sitting on the couch as Dave and Bro talked in the kitchen. It was a weird situation for all of them, John the most.

 

A few weeks later and a lot of angry calls from Bro and someone finally went and confronted Equius about something. The only reason he was out of school was because Dave and Jake went up to him to tell him off and he decked them both. It was his third strike as far as fighting went. 

John was quieter. He’d tried to open up and it was a bad move. A very bad one. He did fine in classes but didn’t talk to anyone else and stayed in his room most of the time. His eighteenth birthday came and went. Bro bought him cupcakes, pizza and a piano for his room. It took five days but he finally started to play it.

 

His music was sad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ehe.... ehehehehehehHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEEHEHEHHEHEEEHEHHEHEHEHEH...
> 
> Yea.


	12. Criminal Minds and Tears [Early 4/13 update]

John got a job working at a bookstore three blocks away from the apartment and started to skip school. His grades were falling and he wouldn’t talk to anyone unless he had to. Even then it wasn’t much, a grunt or two here and maybe a short sentence. It took exactly two weeks for Bro to get fed up with that.

“You can’t keep missing fucing school kid, that ain’t gonna fly.”

“I go enough.”

“I chose what enough is, and you’re not even close. You’re quitting that job and going to school again.”

“There’s no point! Everyone there thinks I’m some sort of freak.” This was the most he’d said to anyone in a while and he didn’t have much time left.

“You either start going or you can get out. I get that shit happened. Shit happens to everyone. At a point you need to get help or get over it. I’m giving you a choice. Now pick.” The idea of kicking John out was a bittersweet one. He couldn’t keep him if he wasn’t doing right. It was a hard thought to just kick him out but the kid was 18.

“You’re… You’re not serious are you?”

“I can have your shit packed and in the hallway in three minutes tops.” John didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t really a Strider, and even then he knew it was stupid to think he could keep on like this, he just didn’t want to go back. He didn’t want to have to think or to look at anyone. Hell looking at Bro was making him feel weird because this is the guy that found him like that.

“Fine… I’ll go back to school.”

“And quit that job. You’re a student you shouldn’t have been allowed to work that much anyway.”

“Fine.” Part of John was constantly infuriated with Bro and the same went both ways. They both knew what was going on and John just didn’t know how to deal in any other way, but ignore it all and make the pain go away. The razors hidden in his room finally got a use.

 

His grades were back up in a month and it was just in time for graduation. He applied at the community college and got in a while before everything went wrong and that was set up. He didn’t talk to anyone at school but at least he was going. Bro sent him to a therapist and he was still having a hard time admitting that the abuse wasn’t all his fault. There was a hypnotherapy session that ended bad and he skipped two appointments before closing up again the next times he went.

 

When school ended Dave ended up going off with his girlfriend to stay with her family somewhere in Europe. John was left with a high school diploma and no plans until the next fall. He was still a big ball of confusion but he was starting to warm up a little. He and Bro had a sort of movie night every Saturday and that was as much bonding as they both could have. John smiled a little more. When they watch movies they both can mock something and unironically enjoy spending time together. 

 

They were just watching TV because neither of them could settle on a movie to watch. They channel-surfed and were watching something stupid happily. They butted heads a lot just because John was stubborn in not accepting help and Bro knew what was best for him. But movie night was their relax time. They were watching How I Met Your Mother, which ended terribly, and an episode of Criminal Minds came on right after. Bro didn’t know if the show would be OK to watch, not knowing if he’d be triggered in any way. The movie and TV show boundaries weren’t really well known. Bro just assumed John might not be too into possible gore or mentions of killing. He wasn’t giving off any signs that he was uncomfortable so Bro being the socially awkward shit he was didn’t do anything to change the show. 

 

Close to the end, John was starting to feel sick. The killer in this episode was lashing out on people similar to his father. Hotch was talking to him and it became clear that both of them were abused as kids as Hotch talked about how kids like that turn out one of two ways. Breaking the cycle or continuing it. It was a little odd to watch. John never thought that someone who was abused could end up hurting people. He looked at Bro and couldn’t think of him actually trying to hurt anyone. Yeah, he and Dave fight but it’s mostly to keep his sword skills up. Nothing actually abusive about that. Sure, the sex toys everywhere could be considered abusive but it still isn’t that. Right. He thought on it for a while and shook his head a little to himself. Bro was the farthest thing from abusive. There’s no way people could really turn out like the killer, this was just a show…

 

Bro was noticing John starting to tense up a little and awkwardly scooted closer. He wasn’t sure on how to handle John still. Sure he’d gotten better but it was still difficult. John felt like he was going to throw up, but was trying not to show anything. He was still pretty closed off, and he didn’t really want to mention anything.

“You doin’ okay kid?” Bro’s eyes were trained on the screen as he talked, trying to keep calm himself.

“Y-yeah. Totally fine.” His voice was slightly strained and he looked over at Bro for a second.

“You sure? If you ain’t, we can watch somethin’ else.” John was still for a little while. The show was close to ending and he was feeling worse and worse as time went on. 

“Can we?” Bro nodded and switched the channels over.

“... You don’t gotta worry about that shit ya know?” John looked over at him and swallowed hard.

“What?”

“You ain’t gonna end up like that. You might make some mistakes along the way. but you won’t turn out like that guy.” He looked down and bit at his lip. He didn’t want to think about that. He didn’t want to think about being angry and wanting to get some sort of… Whatever from being like that guy.

“How do you know that?” An arm was wrapped around John’s shoulders and he tensed up some more.

“Because I’m the adult, and I say so.” John scoffed a little, face starting to heat up as he felt a tingling in his nose and a strange sort of pressure around his eyes.

“I’m an adult too.” He reached a hand up and rubbed a fist under his glasses and over his eyes. Bro squeezed a shoulder and let out a low chuckle.

“You have a point there. Do you think you’ll end up like that?” John looked down and blinked a little harder.

“I don’t… No? I hope not. I don’t want to hurt anyone but I mean… I don’t think I count on this.”

“Why do you think that?”

“I wasn’t… I’m not like him. I mean dad didn’t… I deserved it all.” A tendon in Bro’s neck tensed and John sunk into himself a little.

“You know that ain’t true kid.” His voice came out strained, and he felt like he wanted to hit something.

“It has to be true. I mean… why else would he have done that?” He wasn’t close to accepting anything. He wanted to blame himself because he was never allowed to blame his dad before.

“Because he was a sick bag of fuck. You didn’t do anything to earn that John. It wasn’t your fault.”

“It was… I was too loud o-or,” tears started up, “I didn’t do something fast enough or how… how he wanted.” His voice was starting to sound choked and it was a hard effort to make words come out right. It had to be his fault. That’s what he was told. Yes, everyone was telling him it wasn’t... but that couldn’t be right.

“John… You know that’s not true. You know it.” He shook as he tried to keep his sobs in and Bro just held him tighter. He didn’t like this. That was his family. He had to have deserved all of it otherwise that sort of fucked up ran in his blood. He turned and clung to Bro hard. He clung and cried just as hard as he did sometimes when his dad would sit with him after he was bad. He’d beat him and then sit on his bed and hold him as he cried, telling him it wouldn’t happen again if he would just be good. Even though he was scared back then he still held onto Dad tight, that was his only comfort. He held onto Bro just as tight, bawling his eyes out as he mumbled incoherently. He didn’t want it to not be his fault but he knew it was. He was never to blame. He was groomed and lied to and it was never his fault.

 

It hurt to admit more than any of his fathers hits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For 4/13 I chose to post a chapter even though it's not my normal update day. I'll still be updating tomorrow but this is just a thing. Yes it has some of the sads. Thing's will get better. Promise.
> 
>  
> 
> ((Maybe))


	13. Movies and Lazy Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the author is very sorry for being a butt.

John spent most of the night crying. He needed the comfort that Bro was offering but felt strange taking it. After an hour of couch crying time John passed out, whether from exhaustion or genuine tiredness Bro did not know. That seemed the be the least of his concerns right now. John wormed his way into Bro’s life (and heart) without having to do more than look at him with those pretty blue eyes, and be there. The fact that he was so broken never made Bro second guess taking him in. He’d been there before, he recognized that tree and knew in the end John was going to need a lot to come back from wherever it was his father locked him away. The door was open, the heir could see his kingdom and the long forgotten prince was holding his hand out to help.

 

In his dreams, John usually saw pain. His mind was a wasteland much like his confidence and sleep was never something that brought comfort. Not with the damage his subconscious had taken for so many years. But this dream was calm; a quiet place with a flowing nothing that for once held no pain. He felt mentally exhausted and sleep was starting to help with that. That and the fact that he was being held by a solid, warm body. He’d felt intimidated by Bro in the past. This big man with muscles in his pinky that could easily crush any part of John’s body and an attitude that ranged from southern psychopath to cuddly bunny. There was no reason not to feel intimidated, until he warmed up to him. Everything was new in the beginning and now that he was comfortable, it seemed strange that he was ever afraid of this man. This man that had done nothing but save him. He saved John when he had nowhere to go even though they were states away. He saved John from his father when he didn’t know how to make it better. He saved John from Equius when he was being raped. There was no reason to be afraid of this man, this savior prince. When John woke up, slowly but surely to turn and see that Bro was asleep, he reached up ever so slowly, as to not wake Bro up, to trace the small curves of his face and jaw lightly, placing a quick kiss to his cheek before whispering a barely audible thank you, and drifting back to sleep.

 

When the sun hung high in the sky the next day, the two sleeping boys woke and moved awkwardly to go to separate areas of the apartment and sit awkwardly through the day. Bro took his time finishing up a new order for his website, and John worked on a few songs before surfing the web for the greater part of the day. They didn’t spend long amounts of time together so having slept cuddled up on the couch was a little odd for them. 

John stopped stashing food in his room when he saw ants outside of the apartment a little after Dave left for his Europe trip. Bro was reluctant to clear out the fridge, the real reason he never had actual food in it was because he was too lazy to clean out things that could spoil and he’d never had a good running with fridges. They were always either locked, so no one could get into them, or all the food was cataloged and if anything went missing everyone of his foster siblings and himself would get punished. While still having that fear with food was a little strange seeing as he was in charge of everything it stuck. Letting Dave keep as much as he wanted to himself in his room was easier. He would never know the feeling of being afraid to go to the fridge to get something to eat because it was always made available. The cycle was broken though. Dave was well taken care of and food could start going in the fridge now.

 

Walking out slowly John grabbed sandwich stuff from the fridge and made himself lunch. Everything in the house was quiet but that didn’t mean Bro couldn’t be lurking around. Walking to the living room John plopped down on the couch and started up a scary movie, trying to get used to scarier things in the dark before he actually attempted to watch anything like this in the dark. He wondered if his first night time scary movie was going to be on his own or if he’d have Bro watch it with him. He liked spending time with Bro. He was nice and treated John well. Bro was the biggest savior John had ever had and he wanted to make Bro realize he was thankful. When he finished off his lunch he set to cleaning up the living room and kitchen, washing the sheet from the futon for Bro in between.

 

John ended up passed out on the couch in the middle of his second time watching National Treasure. He thought for a second how tiring it was to me a lazy fuck, but figured he earned it seeing as he cleaned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm soooooooooo sorry. God. It's been almost two months and still all I give you is a crappy filler. I swear they'll kiss and start being socially awkward boyfriends together soon. For now you get this. 
> 
> School is ending and so I had finals study and SAT prep with my senior friends and then I'm also looking to move out soon so I've been planning for that and just... Life got in the way of writing. I promise I'll try and get more chapters out but for now I'm just....
> 
> Sleep... Is a thing I miss. 
> 
> Once I figure out how to balance writing, school and getting enough sleep this will be better... Or maybe it'll all just wait until school is over. Just two more weeks.


	14. Hot Showers and Burns

When John woke up it was hot. Hotter than usual; he’d soaked through his shirt and… Ew, his pants even felt wet. Peeling himself off the couch was a lot and everything was just… Too hot.

“Bro?... Bro, are you home, I think the AC is out.” John looked around and let out a sigh, stripping off his shirt quick before throwing it in the direction of his room. Shower. Cold one. That’s what he needs. Wearing clothes was just not worth it anymore he felt like he was going to boil alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s not that hot John. The fuck it isn’t, he’s not native to Texas this is going to kill him.

You’d think he’d be used to this by now but Bro always blasted the AC, there was never any real bad heat in the apartment. But now… Now John was dying. The water was nice though. Really nice. It wasn’t full-on cold but not warm enough to hurt. After about thirty minutes he was engulfed in this… Need to do something bad. He didn’t know where it came from but… Just for a second. He turned the hot water up and stared blankly at the cold knob before turning it completely off. Just for a second. The water change was quick and the burn mixed with the heat of the air had John letting out a small sob as he banged his forehead against the tile wall and shook as the water burned him. Just for a second… And another… And another. He didn’t know where the need to do this came from. He was doing well, he wasn’t as depressed and he’d been having some pretty OK days but… He just needed a little bit. Something to get rid of the numb feeling he didn’t really tell anyone about. Remind him that he could still feel. It was better in his mind than cutting or drinking. Just a little water. The muscles in his arms shook and he felt a strange good with the burning and turned the knob a little more, letting out a few screams and sobs because Bro wasn’t home. No one was home.

 

At least that’s what he though. Bro was in a compartment he’d made in the walls to hang out in that was also connected to the main component of the AC. He’d been fixing it when he heard a scream. He figured it was from outside before they became more and more frequent and mingled with a familiar cry… John. He left his tools and flashstepped back into the apartment, following the sounds until he got to the bathroom which was conveniently locked. Great. 

“John. Hey man you OK? Did you fall or something, if it’s life threatening I’ll break down the door.” There was a clambering sound from the inside of the bathroom and then the water was off.

“I-I’m fine Bro. Why would you think something’s up?” John’s voice was quivering and Bro frowned. OK no, he was not about to deal with this shit.

“Kid wrap up and come out here, I know somethin’s up.” The shower was his place to cut when he was a teen, blood washed away quick and wouldn’t stain anything. He wasn’t about to let John self harm too. Nip this shit right in the bud.

John wasn’t too happy to have been caught. Well… It wasn’t really caught because he wasn’t ‘technically’ doing anything bad. Just taking a really hot shower. The mirror was too fogged for him to see himself and he wrapped his waist before unlocking and opening the door.

“Dude I’m totally fine, calm yourself-“

“The fuck is this John.” Shit what. John’s heart beat speed up as he got worried and looked down. His skin was really red. Some spots more so than others and he realized just how bad his body was tingling. His left side looked the worst and the red covered more of his body.

“OK that looks bad… I wasn’t doing anything I swear, just taking a shower and OW HOLY FUCK!” Bro had laid his hand down on John’s side and squeezed lightly at the reddened area. Fuck that hurt. That hurt really bad.

“You wanna tell me you wern’t doin anything again? You really wanna go that rout John.” He was about 95% done with this shit. 

“I just… I just wanted to, you wouldn’t get it.”

“Really. You wanna try me kid, remember I’ve lived a helluva lot more life than you.” John worried at his lower lip and Bro took his hand off his side. 

“Go sit and if your skin still hurts in five minutes I’m taking you to the hospital for burn care. If it get’s better get dressed and come to the living room, we need to have a talk.”

 

John was… Not really scared of Bro, just of having to talk about all of this. He didn’t want people to know about this. His skin cooled down a little bit and he got dressed in baggy clothes just so it wouldn’t irritate him anymore. Great… Talking. He stepped out into the living room and stood awkwardly by the couch as he waited for Bro to start talking.

“You’re gonna fill me in on why you’ve been burnin yourself.” His voice was low and monotone as he stared at the TV which was airing some cartoon. 

“I just felt like it. It’s not like I’m /actually/ hurting myself.”

“Do I need to remind you how much you screamed when I touched you. You were hurting youself, just because there wasn’t any blood doesn’t mean it wasn’t self harm. I want to know why.”

“Because… Because. Fuck Why does it matter?” John crossed his arms and moved to sit in the computer chair closer to the TV.

“Because I took your ass in, I got you new clothes, I got you a bed, I took you out of that hell hole you were living in and I saved your ass. I did all of that for you. Not for Dave. If it was jus for Dave I’d’ve kicked you out when he moved. I wouldn’t’a let you stay and I wouldn’t still let you stay. I deserve to fuckin know why. Why everything I’ve done to help you seems to be going to waist. If you told your therapist about this shit she’d’a told me. Wanna know why. You ain’t stable kid. You’re still messed up in the head and anything like this would’a been reported to me so I could help you. That means you ain’t openin up. You ain’t getting better and all /my/ work has gone to waste.” John clenched his teeth and dug his nails into his palms.

“I don’t want to talk about it! If I wanted to it wouldn’t be a big thing. I don’t feel like talking and you can’t make me. I don’t care what… Fuck I’m grateful you took me in, you know that. But that doesn’t mean I owe you my life’s story. I don’t want to talk about it and it’s a dick move to hold taking care of me over my head.”

“Hold the fuckin phone I ain’t holdin it over your head. I’m reminding you that I’m looking out for you. I’ve always been looking out for you. If I want you to do something it’s /for/ you. It’s to help you.”

“Why. Why are you looking out for me! Why’d you come get me!”

“I didn’t go to Washington to get you, I went to take you back to your dad.”

 

John’s blood ran cold.

“You… You what?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I knwo it's been a while. I'm sorry. I've been meaning to update and then tonight I got inspiration to write again. Soooo friggen sorry it's taken this long. I promise I'll be better. As an apology I'm updating two more times tonight.


	15. Sword fights and Hammers

“Dave was bouncing off the walls and was about to run off to find your ass. He was willing to hitch rides and do stupid shit and I wasn’t about to let that happen. I figured when he filled me in it was just to make me take him. I was gonna take you back to your dad and take Dave home. I never planned to bring you back.” Both of them were mad. They were both mad at each other and John was confused and felt like punching something. “And then we got there and you looked so fucked up. You were this kicked little puppy and I saw that it wasn’t a joke. I saw you actin like I did when I was a kid and I remembered all the shit I went through and I chose to take you in. Wanna know why. Because no one did for me. No one took me in and helped me out. No one cared John. Not about me. I wasn’t about to be the fucker that stood by and didn’t care. I took you in because I cared about you, I still care about you. I want you to get better. But you need to fucking talk. You need to accept the help your therapist is offering and stop acting like a fucking brat.”

 

John was hearing him. He understood what he was saying but he was still just so fucking mad. Fuck this. Fuck Bro. Fuck everyone. John reached for the closest thing, a hammer with the tools Bro left on the coffee table, and swung it at the wall next to him as he screamed.

“You wanna hit somehtin? Fine. Don’t hit the fucking wall. Get your ass on the roof and I’ll give you something to hit.” And like that Bro was gone. John’s chest heaved and he dislodged the hammer from the wall and ran out of the apartment. He’d never fought with Bro like this. He and Dave always offered to teach him how to fight but he never wanted to hurt something. He wanted to now. God did he want to. Bro understood that. He’d grabbed the dullest sword in the house and flashstepped up to the roof. He knew he wasn’t going to get hurt. John was untrained and in a rage. He’d dodge blows and deliver light ones with the blunt side of his sword and let John get everything out. Fighting was a Strider style stress relief. 

 

When John got to the roof Bro flashed next to him and blocked the hammers swing with his blade, flicking up and away as John continued to charge and swing when he got close. John was just so mad. He was mad at everyone and everything and he’d never wanted to punch and his and make something bleed this much before. As Bro laid small bats of his sword to John’s arm or back and John swung his hammer in attempts to cause a good blow he started to cry. He was sad and angry. Angry at his dad for hitting him, angry at Equius for talking down to him and raping him, angry at every teacher that noticed he was acting off and said nothing. He was just so pissed and upset and he knew this wasn’t probably the best way to deal but fuck. Fuck. FUCK! STOP MOVING AROUND YOU FUCK AND LET ME HIT YOU.

“I HATE YOU!” He was pissed. Panting as he continued to swing and miss and Bro just kept moving around him in a circle or blurs.

“You don’t hate me. You have one thing I almost did. You’re mad.”

“STOP DODGING LIKE A PUSSY AND LET ME FUCKING HIT YOU!” Tears clouded his vision and as he prepared to swing one way he looped and aimed for another chunk of the circle Bro was making that he knew he’d be at by now. 

 

He heard a… Well not really a crack or a crunch. It was hard to describe but he heard it as the end of his hammer hit Bro’s thigh. He could feel the impact through the handle and everything came over him at once. He could feel. He wasn’t numb to everything and oh god… Oh god. He’d just hit the man that saved him. That treated him like family and bought him things and fuck. After a moment John dropped and hammer and fell onto his side as he curled up and broke down, crying hard as he hit his head with balled fists and felt sick to his stomach. He though… He thought he’d feel better. He felt terrible. He felt like total shit and everything was becoming too damn much. This was a terrible feeling and he was so angry with himself. Bro had cared for him and he’d just… He’d just hit him. He went out of his way to hurt him. This man that was always good to him and that he was growing to love more and more each day even if he wouldn’t admit it to himself just yet. He’d attacked him. Broke his property and at the least just given him a big ass bruise.


	16. Crying and Therapy Agreements

The hammer hit hurt like hell. Bro could admit that. John had some good muscle behind those swings. He hand’t expected John to pick up on his pattern and was really surprised when he was hit. The leg gave out on him and he caught himself and watched as John broke down. That was enough. He’d gotten the frustration out. That was the end game. Bro moved to sit by John’s head and pulled John closer to him to stroke his hair and arm and shush him. God he cared about this kid too damn much. If Dave ever pulled shit like this he’d have been worn out and left to think ten minutes ago. Bro was getting soft.

“Hey little dude calm down, it’s OK. Shhhhh kid, John you’re OK. Hey look at me. It’s OK. I’m fine, tough as nails that didn’t even hurt (lie).” He took John’s glasses off and lifted him a little bit to hug and rubbed his back as he cried. “You’re OK. You’re OK.” He kept repeating those words, holding John as he cried and hiccupped.

“O-Oh god… Fuc-ck Bro… Bro I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” His voice was high pitched and breathy as he cried into Bro’s chest and felt himself getting tired and dizzy. “I won-nt do that ever again. I promise. I’m so sorry Bro, please don’t hate me.” It was getting harder to make words and Bro just shushed him some more.

“I don’t hate you kid. I don’t hate you, you’re OK.” Bro kept holding John and rocking him and at some point John finally calmed down enough to look up at Bro.

“I’m sorry… You’ve been so good to me and I’ve just… I just got so mad I couldn’t think of anything else to do but-“

“Hurt something? I know kid. I know the feeling. We were both raised with violence being the answer to anger. You gotta learn how to control that.” John nodded and hid his face again as his shoulders started to shake again. “Kid it’s OK… Let’s get back downstairs and get you calmed down OK.” It hurt to stand. Walking hurt like a bitch too. It wasn’t often Bro got his and even though he was strong and trained it had been a while. He still supported John as they made their way back to the apartment and both sat down on the couch. 

After a while of silence John mumbled something against Bro’s chest.

“What was that?”

“I don’t… I don’t hate you.”

“I know you don’t.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know kid.”

“I love you Bro.”

“I love you too kid.”

“And I mean… I don’t just love you like how you love Dave. I like you too…” The hand that was rubbing John’s back stopped rubbing. “You’re just… You’ve been there for me and you’re so great and I suck for hurting you because people don’t do that. People don’t hurt the guys they have stupid man crushes on and care about… I’m sorry.” Shit… Shit the kid likes him. Hot damn… The kid likes him. “I fucked up bad. I’m so sorry. I’ll talk to the therapist… I’ll get better. I’ll get better for me but I want to get better for you too… I know it’s fucked up to bring all this shit out now but just… God I’m a wimp and I just… I need to say it now. I can be an asshat and all but I do like you and I’m sorry for being such a jerk today.” After a moment (more like an eternity) of silence Bro started to rub John’s back again.

“I want you to get better kid. I’ve always wanted to help you. It’s OK to fuck up. No one’s saying you can’t ever fuck up. Learn from the fuck ups. I’ll help you out ‘casue I like you too.” John looked up at Bro with a tear reddened (and possibly blushing) face and let his mouth hang open for a little bit.

“I knew it… So… What now.” He was half expecting a romance movie moment where Bro would kiss him and they’d live happily ever after.

“Now we get some food, get some sleep and get you some help. Just because We like each other doesn’t mean you’re ready to date right now. I ain’t goin anywhere but you need to be better before we can be a thing. Don’t rush it kid, I’m right here. Not leaving any time soon.” John felt really sad at that. So Bro didn’t want to date him… Was he just saying he liked him to give John incentive to get help faster… 

“So… You don’t want to date me?”

“I do. But I want you to be ready. Do you honestly feel ready right now?” John was still for a moment before shaking his head. He couldn’t be ready. He blew up really bad over practically nothing today. “When you’re ready you’ll know. When you know ask me again and the answer will be yes, OK.”

“OK.”

“Good. Now, do you want Chinese or pizza tonight?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty. Three chapters as penance for being such a terrible person and leaving for so long. Gonna start updating on Mondays again. Maybe Bi weekly, Maybe weekly. If I'm missing for more than two weeks pester me on my tumblr psychozadoesthedraws.tumblr.com to start writing again.
> 
> Also eeeep, feelings revealed and junk. I'm trying to get to the BroJohn wihtout moving them too fast. I try to keep them as not fanfiction cliche as possible.


	17. Faith and Light Houses

John’s therapy appointments were twice a week every week and he’d had a few hypnotherapy sessions that left his shaky and quiet but feeling a little better. He’d never really… Opened up before. He had things that were under lock and key and that was always fine with him. But now… Now he had someone that was asking him questions and there to listen to him talk for 60 minutes each time he walked into the small office with lighthouse figurines everywhere.

“Why do you have those… I mean. They’re pretty but why so many?” He asked, trying to move the conversation away from him for a moment.

“You’re avoiding John. If you must know I keep them here because they help.”

“How? I mean they’re just light houses.” She’d tried talking to him about his feelings on the day Bro took him from Washington. He wasn’t feeling it but this conversation might not last long enough.

“I don’t know John, how would they help?”

“Is this some sort of weird ‘how does that make you feel’ thing?”

“Perhaps. But think about it. What does a lighthouse do?”

“It lights up the area around shore so ships don’t crash.”

“They are a beacon. In my line of work I encounter many people who are out in what feels like pitch dark open water. I help to guide them back to shore so to speak. I am their light. The lighthouses are very important. That’s why they’re here.” John nodded his head a little bit. That did make sense. He wouldn’t have come to that conclusion on his own though. “Then again, it could be because I like lighthouses.” 

 

The therapy was helping. It was still hard for John to open up and feel like he could actually speak but… He was getting there. Things at home felt different too. Not tense or anything but… Different. Both males knew there was mutual attraction and while Bro wasn’t feeling the same level John was they were both interested. John was sure he was in love. Ever since the big blurt out about his feelings he’d been a little more relaxed to think about it and he came to the conclusion that he was in love with Bro. Bro just liked John as a person and as a possible romantic endeavor. But still they kept things at the apartment as normal as they could. John was waiting for that moment when they could give it a try. Every fiber of his being wanted to just say ‘I’m ready’ and pounce but… That wasn’t good. That wasn’t how it was supposed to go. He was supposed to be absolutely ready and as much as he wanted to be he wasn’t sure if he was. 

 

Today was an average day though. Bro was still hidden up in the walls and ceiling working on whatever he was working on and John was curled up on his bed reading a book. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to do with his life. College, yes. Job, that’s a given. But what college? What job? These were the questions and John didn’t know how to answer them. He liked science. Maybe he could try and be a scientist. He also wanted to be a comedian but… He wasn’t so sure he was /actually/ all that funny. Maybe he should be a lawyer or a banker… He doesn’t want to be a lawyer or a banker. After a while of reading and thinking he realized he wasn’t even reading anymore and threw his book across the room. Fly away little dragon book. Fly far far away. Maybe he should ask for advice. Being able to ask for help was something he was supposed to work on. He moved to the living room and plopped down on the couch, looking around a little bit before finally calling out Bro’s name. It took all of seven seconds for him to appear next to him.

“’sup kid?” John made a face at that. He didn’t really like being called kid.

“I was wondering if I could talk to you. Like… I know you’re here to help and I’m supposed to be able to accept help and ask for it so like… Can we talk?”

Talking wasn’t really something Striders do. Fights and mind games, that’s the Strider way. Talking not so much. “Sure I guess, just don’t expect any Dalai Lama level advice from me OK.”

“How did you figure out what you were going to do… Like I mean… When you got out, how’d you figure out the rest of your life?”

“Whoa man. That’s a big friggen question. I guess I just found the easiest way to make money ‘cause I had a kid to take care of. Sex sells. Not tellin you you should be a porn star but like… I had to find an easy way. You don’t have a kid to worry about feedin and gettin clothes for. As for the rest of my life, kid I still don’t have a clue. I don’t think anyone does. Just go to the community college. Take some classes and read some books and figure out how to do you.”

“I don’t want to just go and take random classes. I want to know what I want to do. I need to have some sort of idea about how my life is going to be Bro. I don’t like not knowing.”

“We don’t always get to know kid. No one really gets that much insight. I’m tellin you just go and you’ll figure it out.” John shook his head fast and balled his hands up into fists. 

“I need to know Bro! I need to. I can’t just go blindly Bro, I can’t do it. I need to know what’s ahead. I can’t just go blindly. I need to be sure that I’m gonna be OK… I don’t want to be scared anymore Bro. I need to know.” Everything was decided for John the moment he was born. Then everything was up in the air. That was one of the scariest things. There was no plan and John didn’t know what to do and Bro getting him helped with that but still. Things were hard. He didn’t want to get thrown for a loop again. He didn’t want to be wandering the streets wondering what was going to happen to him. Bro reached over and pulled John against him, shushing his a little bit as he started to freak out.

“People don’t got planned lives John. You make em up as you go. You gotta accept the fact that you ain’t always gonna know everything. You got people that are willin to help you out though kid. You ain’t gonna fall through the cracks. You just gotta have some faith.” John sniffled a little and clung to Bro. 

“Faith in what?”

“In yourself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My therapist has light houses everywhere and said something like that to me when I'd asked about them.


	18. Puppet Hoe and Dave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Sorta...

The next few days were quiet. John was busy reading or Bro was out meeting up with his vendors or suppliers of stuffing and felt. There wasn’t much time for talking between the two of them and any possible communications between the boys was put on hold when there was a very loud knock (it was really a kick) on the front door which prompted Bro to flash step who knows where. John was pretty miffed to have to move from his spot on the couch to answer the door (the air conditioner blew right on the couch and it was like 68 degree heaven) and made it known by groaning loudly. When he got to the door he held the knob and pressed his ear to it.

“Who is it?” He called out.

“This is the F.B.I. Federal Boobie Police. Open up and lift your shirt.” John pulled back after a second and tried to place that voice…

“Dave?” There was a sound of sniggering from the other side of the door.

“Nah man, I already said it was the F.B.I.” John scrambled to open the door and threw himself on Dave, hugging him tightly as he let out an excited scream.

“Dude I thought you weren’t getting back for another three weeks!”

“Caught an earlier flight. Jade and I had a fight and I really didn’t feel like being there anymore.”

“So you guys are broken up?”

“Dude we were never really together. She had some cool summer plans and asked if I wanted to go with, I don’t know why everyone was calling her my girlfriend.” John was still hugging Dave intensely, walking backwards to lead him into the apartment.

“Fine. I was really liking the idea of you two being together though, you guys seem like you’d click well.” By the time they made it to the couch John was tired of walking backwards and let Dave go before plopping back down on the couch. “Shit now I don’t get the living room to myself anymore, huh?”

“I like how after seven minutes you start thinking about the bad shit. Real classy John, makin a girl feel special.” 

“You know I’ve missed you dude, I just really liked having the big TV and the gaming system and the couch all to myself.” And also having Bro to himself. He felt a little cold and looked down, wondering if he wouldn’t be able to get as much (even if it wasn’t that much) time alone with him. 

“I’m gonna be takin over whenever I ain’t in a class.”

“I thought you wanted to go to college in another state?”

“Yeah, but that wasn’t really a thing I thought through. I love my Bro but he didn’t teach me /any/ socializing skills.” He flopped onto the couch and grabbed the remote, turning the channel over to LMN.

“So you’re moving back in here?” John wanted to be happy, he really did but… all of the freedom to shamelessly flirt would be lost.

“Yeah, looks like you wont get to be the only child along with the favorite child anymore." 

“I don’t care Dave, I kinda missed having you around.” John would live. Yeah. “Hey… So like I need to ask you something, you don’t need to answer I just wondered if well…” John sat down next to Dave on the couch and fiddled with his hands in his lap.

“What’s up man? Gotta rash? Cuz I sure as hell can't help with that.”

“No! God Dave... You like you Bro right?”

“I’m kinda obligated to man,” Dave said with a snort, “what’s this about, did he do something weird?”

“No, he didn’t do anything just… OK so like your Bro is a cool guy, and he’s really nice,”

“To you.”

“... Yeah, to me. But like. It wouldn't seem weird for somebody to like him because he's a likable guy. He's semi present," Dave gave John a look, "and cares about m- people and is nice..."

"You want to bone my brother." Dave's tone was that of expectancy and disappointment. "He's old enough to have fathered you man. He fuckin raised me. You know all those weird ass quirks that make people look at me funny, him; all fuckin him. He sells sex toys for a living. You wanna bone that. Wanna bone an someone that has had five feet of puppet dong up the Hershey river?"

"Ew, gross Dave, no... I don't really want to put my dick in anything."

"... Fuckin hell I'm gonna lose the bet!"

Johns face went blank, "what?"

"After you and El Duche split me and the gang were talkin about if you'd ever meet someone and be a thing and I was like 'aww snap, yeah totally and he's probably not gonna take it up the ass anymore to get some control' and then Jade was all 'no way, don't talk about butt stuff like that. But he'd totally get with someone bigger and like.. More able to protect him... And shove things up his butt'. We made a bet man. You're gonna lose me $5!!"

John didn't know whether I be upset or laugh hysterically. He... Should have expected that. He really should have. "You're pissed because you're going to lose $5!?"

"So you admit it! Bro's shoving things up your bung hole!" Dave wrapped his arms around Johns shoulders and pulled him in for a hug. "I'm sorry man. I know he's fucked up with the kinks, you don't have to do shit ya know? He's realy big into consent just say no to being a puppet ho... I'm gonna get you a shirt that says that man. Gonna be bright orange like the fuckers eyes and it's gonna have pictures of sliced up puppet dong all over it."

John shoved Dave away with a hand to the face and groaned. "We aren't having sex Dave. We aren't even a thing. I want to have a relationship with him but I'm not sure if I'm ready... Plus I don't think I'm ever going to have sex again."

"Ha! Dude you're gonna fuck again someday. Just not right now, and that's cool. Bro will understand. Does he know you want him to take a ride down your penny lane?"

"... Dave that one wasn't even clever."

"I had a long flight."

"And yes he knows I want... To be in a relationship. Sorta. I'm pretty sure, yeah. He says not til I'm ready, what ever that means." John just wanted to have him around. It probably was like Jade had said about him wanting someone big to protect him... And shove things up his butt. But it was scary.

"Are you?" John jerked his head to the side and cringed a little at the poping sound it made.

"Huh?"

"Are you ready? Like I know a lot of shit has happened to you and I don't think anyone would expect you to be ready but.. Are you?"

"I don't know... Maybe? I'm scared."

"Of Bro?"

"No no! Of me." Dave gave him a look. "Like I'm scared of doing something wrong."

"Dude there's very little you could do wrong with him."

"Seriously though Dave. I'm scared I'll fuck up and have no one... He's the reason I have a place to stay and food and I'm scared or being bad and him using all of this to punish me or... He's a big guy Dave. I know he wouldn't hurt me but I'm still scared sometimes and I don't want to be. It's stupid and I'm a little bitch... I don't want him to know that." John was choking up a little bit and his face was red from all the pressure in his head.

"Shit man, don't cry. Dude c'mere," Dave said as he held his arms open. John moved a little closer and let himself get hugged. "You don't gotta worry about that kinda shit with Bro. He'd never pull a dick move like that an he'd never fucking hurt you. We all get that you're scared. I'm sure that therapist of yours, R-somethin, could tell you some psychological mumbojumbo about why you feel like this with all her fancy wall papers but man I'm tellin you right now Equius and your dad are dicks and gone. Bro wouldn't pull their shit on you. Ever. You don't have to be scared of being bad. He's not gonna hurt you." Dave was still holding John and petting his hair lightly. "My brothers a lot of things but he's not heartless."

John just wasn't sure. One second he was feeling pretty confident with himself and the next he was freaking out about not being good. Bro was his savior though. If Bro didn't feel like John was worthy of attention or love John would have nothing. The fact that Bro gave John attention and love was a big factor to why he had feelings for the older man. He was present. He was around. He cared and seemed like he be able to give John something at least semi stable.

Up in the vents Bro was listening in on all of their conversations. It was a habit he picke up just to make sure Dave wasn't doing drugs and that he uses now to get more information about John. He was scared... Bro could understand that. For years he was worried that Dave would realize he wasn't the coolest guardian ever and start lashing out or rebelling. It still hurt that he made John feel scared, even if they both knew it was an irrational fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I finally got the google docs app on my phone to work (so happy) and wrote this over the last three or so days along with a follow up to an old BroDave called Bro's Little Kitten that I will be posting soon. Chapters will still be far spread apart because writin over my phone with my big thumbs isn't easy but it's better than nothing.
> 
> Thank you all again for waiting for this and I hope you like how I worded Dave because god do I love writing for him.


	19. Cheerios and Bigger Bitches

Having Dave back home meant that all of the things Bro did special for John would have to be put on hold. He felt like a shit parent sometimes, especially since he'd never done many good parental things for Dave, even if they were brothers Bro was still Dave's guardian. Dave never needed any special attention, he was a happy kid and was so centered, Bro never saw a reason to pay extra mind to his charge. Dave was set, he was OK. John wasn't. He needed the extra attention and every fiber of Bro's being wanted to give it to him. Still he wondered if Dave felt left out. 

"Losers, get your shoes, we're going out to eat." His tone was steady and he really wasn't trying to make a big deal of Dave's welcome home dinner (it was a big deal though, his baby boy was home and safe and not disease ridden or hurt, praise the Texas lord!). 

 

Having Dave home felt good though. It felt really good. Fuller house with more sounds and life. John even seemed a little more bright. Going about the day was a little harder though, there was a new conflict in Bro’s mind; stay in his hiding spots like he did for the entire 18 years Dave had been alive, or let him realize that when it was just John around Bro got into a new routine of venturing out a couple times a day. Bro started feeling like shit again at that, he really wasn’t the best guardian to Dave that he could have been. On a sunday when John was in the shower Bro chose to ponce, slipping into the vents and waiting above the couch for Dave to sit down. As the smaller blonde balanced a bowl of cereal and a glass of apple juice in one arm because his phone was too precious to put the fuck down when walking. Bro flash stepped from his hiding spot right behind him and smirked.

“Hey,” it was barely a whisper but that was enough to make Dave scream and drop his Cheerios. “You’re cleaning that up lil man.” 

“Fucker and a half, really Bro?” Dave looked down at the mess on the carpet and glared. This was definitely something he didn’t miss when he was off for the summer.

“Yeah really. Now get that shit cleaned up, we don’t need no damned ants in this house.” Bro escaped into one of his holes and made his way back to John’s room. Well… That was a good contact. Yeah. He said a few words to the boy… Now he just needed to say more words… Preferably the right ones. Flopping on to the bed he let out an aggravated noise and covered his face with John’s pillow. Why was he making such a big deal about this? It didn’t really matter… John and him weren’t even a full eal thing. They were just… Movie buddies. Movie buddies that wanted to kiss a little and maybe hold hands… Nah, that shit sounds too sappy… OK…. Maybe not too sappy, but Bro couldn’t think of a way to pass it as ironic so he couldn’t do it. After a few more moments laying on the kids bed like a dumb ass Bro moved again. He needed to stop being a little bitch and get this shit over with.

“Kid. I got somethin’ I need to tell ya.” Dave jumped again, Bro having come up behind him so fast there was no sound that could have signaled him at all. 

“Shit! Bro, you really gotta stop that shit, you wanna know how people talk to each other in Europe? Not like that. Take the hint, Fucker.” One slap to the back of the head and two hands in the air signalling defeat. Dave picked up his new bowl of cereal from the coffee table and started to eat again. “Fine, what’s up?”

“You know John.”

“Yes, I know John, my best friend, the guy currently singing Marina and the Diamonds badly in the shower.”

“We’re a thing.” Dave’s new bowl was on the floor just like the first and pounded at his chest, coughing up a storm that would make a 30 year smoker envious. 

“Holy fuck!”

“No really though. We’re gonna be a thing at some point. So when you wake up and find us together don’t be surprised. Because I told you.” And with that he was gone, running off to be alone and high five himself about manning up and talking.

Dave finished up his coughing fit and threw his head back in aggravation. “I already knew you bitch, I just wanted to eat breakfast!” Bro of course was no where around to hear that, John how ever was awkwardly standing in the hall, wondering what in the hell had just happened. 

“Dave… What are you doing?” He slid onto the floor, not caring if milk was soaking into his pajamas and soggy cheerios were scraping against them.

“I don’t even know. I’ve lost control of my life. This is the end man, this is how I die. Make sure my headstone is a fucking cheerio and that there are explosions and shit. I gotta leave with a bang man. A fucking bang! A bang so big it’ll make my Bro proud… You get it? ‘cause he’s an ex pornstar. He bangs a lot… Bang!!!”

“Dork.”

“I take offence! No Sir at the beginning of that? Are you saying I’m just a lowly common place dork, not even a high up dork?!”

“Fine, Dork Esquire. Better?”

“Much, now get me new cheerios.” John crossed his arms and looked up a little bit, making a ‘hmmm’ sound as though he was thinking before plopping down to sit on Dave’s middle.

“No.”

“Bitch.”

“I know you are but what am I.”

“A bigger bitch.” John’s hand in Dave’s face shut him up and started up a slap fight between them. It was nice to feel like this. Free, happy. Bro was great and encouraged everything John wanted and was feeling, but Dave was his pal. Always has been and always will be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long. I'm prettty swamped with school (NOTE TO ALL HIGH SCHOOLERS!!! DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT(!!!) TAKE MORE THAN 2 AP CLASSES IF YOU HAVEN'T TAKEN ANY BEFORE!!!) and I'm still in need of a beta so I'm going over my own stuff a lot more which makes it take a lot longer. This is kinda short but I wanted to focus in on Dave being home a little bit. Most BroJohn's totally forget about Dave, and don't show the fact that he's a major part in both Bro and John's lives. Next update wont be as far spread as this one was, I promise.


	20. The Kid Couldn't Be With Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We did it... We climbed the whole mountain. Everything hurts. God is dead. I killed him.
> 
> (2017 me here... take this chapter and the end note with a grain of salt because shit is about to go down)

Today was the day. He was gonna do it. For reals, no joke… It was going to happen. John was going to stop being a wimp and officially ask Bro out. It was going to happen dammit!

Maybe not…

It has been months since John and Bro had had their original talk about feelings and what to do about them. Currently John was flopped face down on his bed while Dave pressed his palms against his back to crack it.

“I’m gonna do it… OW! Shit, tell me before you do that so I don’t breathe in!”

“Sorry man, and you’re not really gonna do it. You've been saying this for the last three days.” Dave positioned his hands a little higher and muttered ‘breathe out’ before pressing down quickly.

“I’m gonna do it! I’m gonna walk out that door once we’re done here and ask him to dinner.”

“Dinner? That’s kinda lame man. Take him to laser tag… Bitches love laser tag.” 

“This isn't some run of the mill bitch though, this is like… Your brother.” John rolled over and stretched out a little on the bed, happy with the feeling of his back now. “He’s a well seasoned bitch with all the papers and shit… Pedigree level.” That caused Dave to laugh a little bit.

“I’m rubbing off on you. Good. But nah man. He’s really not a pedigree bitch. He’s a mutt through and through and I think you should just slap a collar on him and take him to lazer tag… And then text me if you’re gonna be bumping the uglies with said bitch when you come home… Would that be considered kinky or illegal. Is bestiality illegal in Texas? I don’t even know, probably not. Fucked up place we call home.”

John smiled a little and shrugged. It had been…. Well part of him felt like it had been so long since he’d admitted to Bro that he’d liked him, but another part of him felt like it was so recent and that everything had moved so fast. He was emotional, still is. What if this was all because Bro was one of the two constants in his life? Maybe he didn't really like him… Maybe Bro was right to make him wait.

“Have you ever like… Really liked, or loved, someone? Like not puppy love but real love?” Dave looked to John and cocked an eyebrow, crossing his arms before leaning back against the wall next to him. 

“I dunno man. I mean I’m just too cool for that kinda stuff,” he said with a straight face before giving John a wide grin, “nah I know the feeling. Both. Everyone has crushes and shit like that, and I had a really big thing with someone a while back.”

“What? Who, you haven’t dated anyone since I moved here.”

“That’s what you think. That’s what everyone thinks, which was why I was able to keep him away from Bro.”

“Him, you had a Him and you didn't even tell me!” Dave shrugged a little.

“Didn't really want to bring it up. You wouldn't have approved.”

“Why?”

“He was our gym teacher man. Couldn't have that shit out in the open. Illegal as fuck.”

“Y-you… Mr. Bartlett?” John’s eyes were wide and his mouth hung open. No fucking way. “Dave he was like-”

“42, I know. I was also 18 at the time… Just also a student. We didn't even meet at school I’d started talking to him over the summer-”

“When you were still 17!”

“Yeah, yeah. I met him in a chat room and we had some good conversations there and really connected and shit. It was just gonna be a summer thing but then he started working at the school and I just couldn't help myself man, I hate gym and if he was willing to give me full credit for riding him in his office after school I was willing to take it. Hard.” John couldn't believe this. His best friend had been having an affair with an old as fuck teacher and never told him. “But I mean it wasn't all for a grade… I really fucking liked him. Might have been love, I don’t know. He told me after graduation that since there’s a district rule that an employee can’t date a student until they've been graduated for a year that I should take that time to explore and if I still wanted him we could stop sneaking around. Hasn't talked to me since. I think he started to feel bad about the entire thing.”

“You really liked him?”

“Yeah man, it was crazy. I mean don’t get me wrong I love my brother- don’t give me that look, just listen- I love my brother but he never wanted to push me or give me rules. He felt really bad about that kinda shit because of what happened in foster care. So I've always just been free to do whatever. And while that was rad as hell it was also… I don’t know, but Kyle, Mr. Bartlett, he gave me rules. He expected something and would punish me if I was bad. He treated me like a parent should in a way and that was really, really nice. It was something I’d been wanting for years. But yeah, I really liked him.”

John opened his mouth a little, but couldn't think of what to say. Dave had a smile on his face but it wasn't a happy one. He was looking off and in his own head and his smile was almost sad, like thinking about this older man not being around him anymore was making him sad enough to almost show it. “Do you think you’ll get back with him? I mean… Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a little weird but you probably really liked him and I mean, I’m sure Bro would understand.”

“Nah… I mean I've got to date people my own age. He’d so much older than me, he’s gonna die and I’m gonna be like 50 something and be all alone and too old to go out and find someone again… But why did you ask? About liking people I mean?”

“I just… Want to be sure that I should go through with this… Your brother.”

“I think you should. But he is older, so there is that risk. But I mean, if you feel like you can get over that then I don’t see why you shouldn't give it a try. Be happy man, you deserve it.”

"You really think so?"

"Yeah man. I really do."

"Love you man... Even if you did bang our teacher and didn't tell me about it."

"He had a nice cock."

"How big?"

"8 inches."

"Damn... You lucked out."

Having a friend was nice.

 

John wasn't sure what he was going to do… The idea of Bro dying before him hadn't really crossed his mind until Dave mentioned it. He’d never been worried about that. Never been worried about anything really. Except maybe sex… He’d never really expected to be so… Scared? But the situation with Equius had made him lose interest in it and actively try to avoid anything sexual, including even masturbating. He just… He couldn't see how that would ever be a good experience again. And he was totally fine with it. But would Bro be… What if that’s what ends their relationship. No… No, Bro isn't that shallow… He wouldn't. Still it was a concern. Everything was starting to feel like it should be a concern. 

The world was suddenly scarier than it had been before. For the first time in a very long time John felt like he’d wanted to hide under his bed at night. The world is scary but his bed is safe. His bed… The one Bro gave him… Maybe it wouldn't be a good idea? Maybe… Maybe there’s just… Too much history with Bro, too much owed to him. Maybe he shouldn't?

 

“Bro? You home?” John called out tentatively, hands gripping the bottom of his shirt and wringing it slightly. He was nervous. He’d spent the night thinking and he’d finally made his choice. One that felt like his own, not anyone else’s.

“Kitchen.” He bit at his lower lip and made his way over, watching as Bro searched in a cupboard for something, probably a box of mac ‘n cheese. “Wh’s up?”

“I needed to talk to you… About us.” He watched as the older man stilled and turned to look at him slowly.

“Yeah? Well spill it, ya feel like yer ready?”

“No.” That caught Bro off guard. That, he wasn't actually expecting.

“What?” He asked, frowning a little behind his shades.

“I… You’re older than me and I… You saved me. You took me in and I don’t know if I really like you because of you or because… Because I owe you.”

“Kid, ya know you don’t owe me shit right?”

“I know, but I… I don’t trust myself right now. I… I can’t go out with you. Because what if it is that. What if I wake up one morning and realize that I don’t and that I’m doing this for a stupid reason. I can’t do that… I don’t think I’d be able to handle myself i-if I did.” John’s eyes got teary and he looked down, face flush as he shook a little bit. He needed to not trust himself right now. Because he wasn't sure.

“You really don’t want to do this?”

John could only nod. That was a little bit of a…. Since John had brought it up Bro had let himself wonder. Wonder if he’d be good for the kid or if he’d even be happy with him and he’d come to the conclusion that he was. He would be happy. It was just a matter of waiting for John to be settled enough in his head to do something. But now… Part of him was mad. Mad because he’d gotten his hopes up for this kid. But another part saw how scared and worried John looked and understood why he did it. Understood not being able to trust yourself.

“OK.” He walked up to John and hugged him, letting him take in a staggered gasp and sob, body shaking in his arms. “Hey it’s OK. You don’t gotta do shit for me kid. That’s not a good way to live life. It’s just not, I get it.”

He got it… And that’s probably what made it hurt the most.

 

The kid couldn't be with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK... So when I started this out I was in a bad place at home. Still am. But the reason I did this to John and made this was to help myself work through things and let someone else get their chance to grow as a person and have something normal.  
> And I did that. I also chose to add in some stuff with Dave because he's always forgotten and I wanted to touch on the fact that he has a life and he has feelings and he is John's best friend.  
> Originally I was gonna end it differently but in the past... Gosh, year? Two? I think it's been two years almost. In this time I've grown as a writer and learned something big.
> 
> I'm not really writing for any of you. I'm writing for me.
> 
> And in this I've realized... I don't want for my story to become John's. I wanted this to be something different. So I made John react differently to being raped. I made him make a choice that wasn't easy but in the end is the right thing to do.
> 
> He feels like he owes Bro. He feels like Bro will be the only person to love him and he feels like he needs to cling. But he doesn't. He didn't and he wont and in the end I feel like that was the best thing for him. That's what I want for him. I wrote this for myself and I'm happy with it.
> 
> I hope you are too.


End file.
